An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to give a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing" The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open."

Deaf Test

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)




"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing
at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the
Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes
me down often and keeps me in a
lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

Was the cowboy a ventriloquist?

I didn't think of that. That's funny.

NO SEX TONIGHT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web mail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the ‘curse’? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills’. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep… Always.

Best, Wendi

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, it ain’t Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain’t Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say, "There’s Bubba with them two a**holes."

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel.

As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the
driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he
was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a 'guest' and not wanting to
make waves.

The trip continued without event until the next intersection.

This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab
driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.

Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver. "Listen", he
says, "When you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But
why on earth are you stopping at a green light?" The Israeli driver looks
at the American as if he was deranged. "Are you crazy?!" he shouts. "The
other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?!"

What did the baby seal say when he walked into a club?

Nothing, but Paul McCartney sure made a big fuss about it....

Two missionaries are captured by a local tribe in the deepest, darkest jungle. The chief says to the missionaries: "For trespassing on our sacred lands you must be punished. You can choose the ritual of Bungho Lowee or death. Which do you choose?"

The first missionary says: "I'm too young to die and if I can live I can convert this tribe to God's true path. I choose Bungho Lowee."

The chief said: "So be it. Bungho Lowee!!!" At this the tribe goes wild. The grab the missionary, strip off his clothes, bend him over a log and tie his wrist to his ankles under the log. While in this position the entire tribe take turns raping him anally. After what seemed like an eternity, they cut his bonds and dump him, sobbing, into the river where he floats away.

After witnessing this, the second missionary looks up to the sky and says: "God, forgive my weakness but I would rather die than go through that." Then to the chief: "I choose DEATH! May God forgive you."

In response, the chief said: "So be it. Death!" At this the tribe goes wild. "Death by Bungho Lowee!!!"

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total,' say the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reward

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.


A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.


My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.


Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.


A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.


Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.


I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.


I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.


If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?


A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.


Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.


A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


Corduroy pillows are making headlines.


Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Bob was lying in bed with his wife. The phone rings and his wife jumps up and shouts "I'll get it!"

"I have it right here" replies Bob.

After a few seconds Bob shouts "I don't know! It's 2am why don't you call the f**cking coastguard!"

His wife asks "Who was that?"

"I don't know" says Bob, "Some fool asking if the coast is clear".

What did Kermit the Frog say when he reach the top of the mountain?


'muppet

double post so I need to think of another joke quick.


2 fish sitting in a tank and one says "You got any idea how to drive this thing?"

Sorry but it was short notice.

Paraphrasing of this joke: Fish Tank Joke

Seems to be the exact phrasing used by the "scientist" on "History of a Joke" from the history Channel.

Ok Ok like I said short notice I didn't have time to read through everythuing before posting.

Sorry.

It was meant tongue-in-cheek. All of us have, at some point, told a friend this "great joke" only to find out that they were the ones that told YOU that joke, like a week ago.

I did it in this very thread. (But at least my joke was from a different thread. LOL)