Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out fora pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
“What are you doing, Pierre?” says the startled Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!”

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
“Pierre! What are you doing?” asks the bewildered Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!”

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “Pierre, what in the hell do you think you’re doing??!”

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy S%#T! A talking chicken!''

Did you hear the one about the midget psychic who escape from jail?

He was a small medium at large.

A little boy asks his dad, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we will call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The Nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes any sense.' The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He
gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep *@!@.

How the fight started...

Officer, this is how the fight started...
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.


So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . And you know how you just-get-so-stressed... And life... Sometimes life seems like... Suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me.

Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"
... And that's when the fight started.

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado...and off they were whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard .

"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz? "

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
"I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!" said the Wizard.

"Who' s next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done!" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped George W. Bush and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem!" said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there was a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.


Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"


"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

Q: How do you get a hippy chick pregnant?

A: Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

The police precinct captain was ordered to raid the local whore house, something which was an embarrassment to him and his men. You see, they patronized it themselves on occasion and were friendly with the madam.

In a tight spot, the captain called them on the phone and found all the girls and the madam were off on a picnic and the place was closed.

There was only the cleaning lady to answer the phone.

"Listen," said the captain, "pass on this message because it won't be safe to call again. Tell the madam that tomorrow we've got to stage a surprise raid on the place. When we come, however, we'll honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, then go round the block a third time: Then we'll come running in. By that time, we want everyone safely out of the place.

You understand?"

The cleaning lady said she did, but of course she didn't and the madam never got the message.

The next day it was 'business as usual' at the whore house.

The police, blissfully unaware of the slip in their plan, arrived, honked, circled, honked, circled, honked, circled, and then charged in. As they ran up the stairs with the captain at the lead, they crashed head first into two naked girls who were hurrying down the stairs with a mattress in between them.

The captain roared, "What the hell are you two girls doing?"

"Don't blame us," cried one of the girls indignantly. "Eliot Spitzer is outside honking for curb service."

And now you know the "rest" of the story...

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast." !!!!!!!

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes!"

The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head, shoots him and kills him! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds "No, but my wife did."






After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked into it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. He decided to hang it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So! That's the ugly b***h he's runnin' around with!'

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds...

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were you trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting......

A Case For The FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

How Many Plimates Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals category

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

67 to complain about the voting - up and/or down - given to the light bulb posts

Don't forget:

1 to remark how much light bulbs remind them of boobs.

10 to continue the boob conversation, completely ignoring light bulbs, but ending their posts with /hijack

And do NOT forget:

Moe - who punched your lights out in the first place, ya nitwit!

Soyt'nly! Nyuk nyuk nyuk....woob woob woob woob woob!

Why do rednecks always have sex doggystyle?

So they can both watch NASCAR

So, how did pinocchio find out he was made out of wood?

When his hand caught fire

Wanna hear a joke?
womens' rights.