What is the sound you hear when a vinegar truck and a water truck crash? Douche!

What do you call a dead guy swimming? Bob.

What do you call a dead guy in a pot? Stu.

Oh, the days of grade 8 humor..

What do you call her in Japan?

Irene

The difference between a man and a woman:

When a WIFE says, "I'm not wearing underwear." A HUSBAND thinks, "Wahoo, sex tonight!"

When a HUSBAND says, "I'm not wearing underwear." A WIFE thinks, "OMG, I'm going to have to wash those pants twice!"

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout .. and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and said “Thank you”.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"It can't be that much ! I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied "Yes, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

Every Sunday afternoon everyone in the neighborhood would meet at the nearby cross roads and country store to compare their weekend catches. Everyone had normal size fish except this one old farmer who had always brought in huge fish. The game warden heard about this and showed up one Sunday afternoon. After inspecting the old farmers fish, he turned to the farmer and said "If you don't show me your fishing spot , I'm going to have to close you down." The farmer replied by telling him to come out to the farm in the morning and he would take him fishing. The next morning the game warden shows up with his pole and the farmer tells him to climb onto the tractor. They head out into this big field until they come to a little pond. The warden is scratching his head because all he sees is a rotten old skiff, when he expected a large lake and something closer to a yacht. The farmer said to get in and they start rowing out to the middle. About this time the warden notices that there are no fishing poles. As he is about to say something, the farmer reaches into a box and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the pond. After the water and smoke settle, he paddles around picking up the fish. The warden's jaw is on the deck. He can't talk for a minute. When he finds his voice, he starts in on the farmer about how he can't believe what just happened and starts screaming to the farmer about all the regulations he has broken. While this is taking place the farmer calmly reaches into the box grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the warden and asks him "Are you going to fish or are you just going to sit there and talk all day?"

Three guys climb the mysterious "Mountain of Wishes." A sign at the top states, "To receive your wish cast thy self over the cliff and name your fondest dream and you shall become what you wish for." The first guy runs and leaps from the edge and yells, "BIRD." Instantly he is transformed into a majestic eagle and soars off into the horizon. The second guy runs forward and leaps over the edge and yells, "FISH." He too is transformed and splashes artfully into the water below and swims into the deep blue sea. The third guy excitedly runs to the edge, but trips on his untied shoelace. Falling over the edge in frustration he yells, "CRAP!"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf
club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

What do you called the untalented guy tha hangs out with the band?
The drummer

What does it mean when the drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level

if I could upvote you more.. oh if only!

A doctor, a rabbi, an engineer and a lawyer were debating over who the world's first professional was.
The doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."
"No," said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?"
"And WHO do you think created the chaos?" said the lawyer.

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the
house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,
eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and
delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and
so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

Three guys stumble across a fairy.
She grants each one of them three wishes.
"Cool," goes the first one, "I'll have a beautiful wife for my first wish!"
"Yeah, I'm in," says the second one.
"What about your first wish?" the fairy asks the third guy.
"Well, I want my left shoulder to bounce back and forth forever!" - "Ok. Now what about your second wishes?"
"I want a ritzy mansion, then," says the first one.
"Oh, that's fine for me, too," goes the second guy.
"And what about you?" the fairy asks the third guy.
"Well, I'd like to have my right arm rotating forever!" - "Granted. Now tell me your last wishes."
First guy: "A Lamborghini would be great, too."
Second guy: "Yeah, Lamborghini sounds fine."
Third guy: "Can you make my head jiggle around forever, please." - "OK, all granted."

Thirty years later, the three guys meet up again.
First guy: "I'm damn glad we met that fairy back then - my wife is fine, the mansion is excellent, and my Lamborghini is still as good as brand-new."
"Yes," says the second one, "same for me. Can't complain at all."
The third one, with his left shoulder bouncing back and forth, his right arm rotating and his head jiggling around, looks at his friends and says:
"Guys, now that you're telling me this, I'm beginning to believe that my wishes were real crap."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Q: Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

A: Christopher Walken.

/hides.

Band Jokes

What do you do if someone can't play their instrument?

Give them two sticks and send them to the back.

What do you do if they can't do that?

Take away one stick and send them to the front.
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What is the difference between a bassoon and an oboe?

A bassoon burns longer.
------------------------------------------

What is the best thing about a flute?

Oh...you couldn't think of anything either?

Why do bagpipers walk while playing?
To get away from the noise!

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Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to a chicken!

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How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
3. One to mix the batter and two to squeeze the bunnies!

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What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

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Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

G.W. Bush's military advisers are briefing him one morning. They tell him that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday.

G.W. is just in shock. He drops his head on the desk and looks like he might even be crying. Who knew he had such attachment to Brazil and its people.

When he lifts his head, he asks: "Before I go and face the reporters, remind me. How many zeros in a brazillion?"

http://www.plime.com/entertainment/humor/f/1317/3/

Look near the bottom.

;-)