The scene is at the height of fierce battles in World War I. An Australian soldier looks out from behind some cover and is spotted right away by the enemy, but he is saved by a British officer who pulls him back quickly into the trench. The British officer asks him: "Lad, did you come here to die?"
"No Sir," replies the young Australian, "I came yesterday".

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

What do you get if you cross a Russian alcoholic and Ricky Martin?
Livin' la litre vodka

Q: What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist?

A: A chemist will drink anything that is distilled.
A geologist will drink anything that is fermented....

Q: Why did the fold get arrested???
A: He was caught rolling a joint!!!

Hahahahaha

Wait... what? Let me guess... this is geologist humor, no?

A mathematician, a chemist, and a physicist went to a convention. They all got a room on the same floor in the same hotel.

The first night there, a fire broke out in the hallway and spread to the front door area of each person.

The physicist hears the alarm, opens his door and sees the fire. Immediately, he grabs the fire extinguisher from the wall and sprays the fire in front of his door out and goes to bed.

The chemist hears the alarm, opens his door and sees the fire. Immediately, he runs into the bathroom and grabs a tube of Alka-Seltzer. Then into the main room and grabs the water pitcher and a straw. He dumps all the Alka-Seltzer into the pitcher, tears the cover off the phone book and runs back into the bathroom. He fills up the pitcher with water, jams the straw in, seals it up with the phone book cover and shakes well. As it foams up, he runs over and opens the door. He aims the pitcher at the fire, the foam spews out the straw and all over the fire, which goes out. He then goes back to bed.

The mathematician hears the alarm, opens his door and sees the fire. Immediately, he run to his desk and grabs a pencil and paper, a slide rule, and his calculator. He opens the door and looks at the fire and writes down several equations. He sniffs at the smoke and furiously writes some more, confirming with the slide rule. He sticks his hand in the fire for a second and writes down some more. He then dashes off into the bathroom and turns on the water. He sticks his burnt hand into the water and writes down some more...then cross checks with the slide rule. He wets his hand and runs back to the fire. He spritzes the water from his hand onto the fire and hears a tiny sizzle. He writes some more, cross checks once again with the slide rule and finally confirms his work with the calculator. He loudly exclaims AN ANSWER EXISTS!! Satisfied, he closes the door on the still burning flames, and happily goes to bed.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are testing the theory that all odd numbers are prime.

Physicist: "1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 - must be experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime. That's enough data points; the theory is true."

Mathematician: "By convention, 1 is not prime, but 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and 7 is prime. Using mathematical induction, we can infer that all odd numbers are prime."

Engineer: "1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is prime, 17 is prime, 19 is prime... Hmmm, theory appears to be true."

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

really racist but whatever...

A Black Boy comes home from school and says "mom, I got the biggest penis in my 3rd grade class. Is it because I am black?".

His mom responds "nah it's because you're 19"

As long as we're making racial jokes, I have a crap load.


Why do you never see any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they don't work in the future either.

:D (Just so you know, I'm Puerto Rican and that's my favorite joke)

A woman walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a double entendre."

So he gave it to her.

That bartender must have been a cunning-linguist.

Bit risque this one.



A few days ago I was walking past a school for special needs children and I saw a sign that said "SLOW CHILDREN".


I thought well thats gonna do wonders for their self esteem.

You think that's bad? Near my house there is a sign that reads 'Slow Blind Child'. That kid has all kinds of problems.

The one on my grandparent's lane says "Slow Children Playing - Slow".

Aside from the obvious fact that the Department of Redundancy Department wrote the sign, I get a laugh out of it every time.

If I get a chance to take a picture of it over Xmas I will so I can post it.

If we're on the topic of signs...
Every day when I bike to school I go past the Huff Animal Hospital. I need to take a picture of the sign someday...

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Take heart, these kids grow up to be productive members of society. Why just this morning I saw a sign that said SLOW MEN AT WORK.