Inspired by D3SPITE's profile, where he points out that the "biography" should actually be named "autobiography" I'd like to start a little game:

Jax seems to be kinda busy these days, so we shouldn't bother him about changing the profile layout. Instead, we could write biographies for each other to post in our profiles, thus correcting the inaccuracy.

Here's the rules:
Write a short biography for the last user who commented in this thread (maximum 500 characters including blanks). Third person style. No writing credits.
Your text may be based on actual biographic elements, but fictional effort is strongly appreciated.
Inform the the user you've portrayed (PM).
If someone has written your bio, post it on your profile page.
Keep it clean, don't offend.

Only post here to share other people's biographies.
To keep the game running, don't write the biography of the person who has written yours.


As an opener, I'm posting D3SPITE's new biography (you'll have to wait now, D3SPITE):

A birth weight of 12.2 pounds predetermined D3SPITE's carreer as a professional wrestler. Aged four, he uncorked bottles of Chardonnays with his bare hands, thus not only earning standing ovations from local news representatives, but also cirrhosis in nursery school.
Reads minds and Yahoo! news daily.

suckersklub
Born in Germany, now a citizen of the world, suckersklub considers himself the ultimate protector of the innocent and the lazy.

He is the insanely proud (or perhaps just insane) producer of two films - Charred Remains and Beelzebub's Bumblebees. He is considered by few to be the next Woody Allen.

With a keen appreciation for all things stupid and crappy, he supports the most ridiculous, obscure internet phenomena while simultaneously shunning interesting cultural references.

He is handsome and gregarious, especially after you've been drinking heavily for a long time. Despite his affable nature, he has been incarcerated frequently for public displays of affection for inanimate objects.

Gnikgnok did not have a normal childhood. Her earliest recollection was being raised by a small group of suicidal penguins. Unfortunately, that didn't last as all the penguins mysteriously died out.

Many unique groups fought to raise her next. After a violent game of Rock-Paper-Scissors between the midget jungle monkeys and the diet-crazed elephants, she ran away and eventually spent the remainder of her childhood perfecting her game of tiddlywinks.

Now, the mother of 9 sets of triplets, she one day hopes to learn to sky dive without a parachute or airplane.

Hey Suckersclub - sorry I killed your thread.

icepigs
Born in a galaxy far, far away, icepigs has a suspicious penchant for betting - this stems from the fact that he made his enormous wealth by playing tiddlywinks for money as a child.

Not actually two cold pigs sat at a keyboard, icepigs is actually human.

The Step lives his life by being very public about his biggest phobia: steps.

Born in the only air-raised salmon farming village in the world, TheStep's suggestion that the fish might live longer if they were given some water was met with derision, a violent beating by the town's resident stair sculptor, and a gentle catapulting from some nearby cliffs.

As luck would have it, a traveling battalion of marmosets had just parked their shared Harley and were napping below the cliffs, providing a soft, if messy, landing.

Rejected by the people of his homeland, and now in possession of a large amount of marmoset skins, TheStep fashioned a stylish riding outfit and took off on the Harley to find his place in the wide world.

He hasn't been seen since Monday.

(if TheStep happens to be a girl, I'll fix the biography to reflect that)

DaftGretel was born to daftiness.

At an early age, she engaged in experimental treatment programs to treat the moderately insane tortoises, with the result that she retreated into a large, homemade shell from the age of 9 until just recently.

Shockingly, this didn't prevent her from functioning well in school and life, and many have commented on her go-git-em attitude, interests in obscure trivia not withstanding.

Since joining Plime, DaftGretel has inspired countless dozens to greater perusal of inane facts.

Maven spent her early years training for the Olympics. At the tender age of 27, she was shot and killed. She then was brought back from the dead by a magical squirrel named Billy. Her ghost now searches the forums of Plime to seek the ways of the Plimate. When she acheives the status of UBERPLIMATE, she shall ascend to heaven and be seated by the right hand of the Father, cleaning His nails.

Jerry hatched alone in a bomb-tested dessert roughly 20 years ago. Remarkably, he had no genetic defects despite the heavily-radiated air he breathed. A young Indian boy found the baby Jerry and took him to a gas station to trade for a Pepsi. The gas station owner gave the young Jerry to his daughter, an aspiring actress, as a present. The daughter took the young Jerry everywhere she went, including auditions. At one of the auditions, a reporter spotted the young hatchling and wanted to exploit him. Though being undeformed, the media quickly lost interest in the young hatchling and moved on to celebrity pregnancies and toy recalls. The young Jerry was suddenly abandoned and forgotten and went on his search for acceptance and human love. This is when he discovered the Internet, which has been his best friend ever since.

Edit: Damn, INY, you beat me to it.

imnotyoo and her twin sister imnother were born in captivity on a Kenyan nature reserve. For the first six months of their lives, they were set on display as American Albino Monkeys. They were quickly discovered to be human and adopted into different families. IMY enjoys basket weaving, masturbation, and golf. She currently resides with her fiance FavorablyDisposed. They spend their weekend torturing creepy-looking dolls for their amusement.

She is also very blurry.

Apologies.

Take a look!

sparklyeyedgal181 was always different than the rest. Born on a large, southern plantation, she would often be found playing with the animals. On one fateful trip to France she was accidentally left in rural park all alone. She was three. How she spent the next seven years, nobody will ever know. When she eventually emerge into civilization again, she was 10 and smelled of wolves. A French doctor named Pierre Marchaunt decide to raise her as his own, teaching her the ways of the world. She eventually learned how to play the jaw harp at a prestigious Belgian University. She eventually moved to Toronto where she currently makes a living creating commercials for trial lawyers.

Bluenutria is the b*stard child of Gargamel and Smurfette. When he hatched, he was abandoned and left for blue.

Years later, in his blue period, he auditioned for a walk on part in The Blue Man Group, but was rejected due to his act not having enough local color. This left him feeling...blue.

He then tried to audition for a role in Red Dwarf. Again met with failure, he now hangs out in the back of theaters that show blue movies.

Moe was born to a happy family of dockworkers. He lived a majority of his life near the sea but decided to move to the city. It was in New York that a young Moe met a carnival worker named Stu. Their friendship was as strong as any but ended tragically when Stu became trampled by a fiberglass horse in the carousal. This drove Moe into a deep depression and didn't end until he met the love of his life, a mermaid named Squeakers. He met her while throwing stones despondently off a pier. Their relationship lasted happily for a number of years before Squeakers was caught and processed into tuna. Moe hasn't recovered since.

In the far distant land of Calcutta, Melgesevad was conceived. Fathered by a young peasant boy and the princess he loved, he was brought up in the ways of wanna-be royalty. Wearing cast off robes he spent his days riding horses pretending he was in parades through town. In an unfortunate accident involving sheep and dwarves he found himself in a box on a slow boat to America. Naked, cold, and hungry he begged on the streets until one day he found a discarded laptop. That day changed his life as he found his calling posting comments and stories on Plime. He now makes the internet his home. Unfortunately, he is still naked and cold, but not hungry because you can order Domino's online.

Someone who breathes air, Larknet also has two testicles that he is fond of. Sometimes, when they itch, he will reach down and scratch them. Often his scratches turn to vigorous rubbing, or he scratches entirely too long and makes noises while he does so.

He has long hair which grows from his palms for reasons that he denies. Larknet has tried shaving his palms, but the hair just comes back darker. And lemon juice and peroxide do nothing to cover it up. He has recently been growing the hair in, but used to cut and style it. He remembers fondly when he frosted the tips of his palm tufts.

A man who hates insect, he can often be found killing them with his windshield; mercilessly driving down the road for the sole purpose of wracking up his 6+ legged body count. If a mosquito lands on his arm, he crushes it beneath the weight of his hand, ending its already short life span prematurely.

If you see larknet, don't forget to point and laugh.

Genetically created under heavy surveillance by a Top Secret Governmental Agency, not much is know about donteatpoop’s early years. We do know he was named for his first full phrase, learned most likely from the repetition of the phrase by his Croatian Nanny in a futile attempt to stop him from finding snacks in his diaper.

Although he is feared by all employees at the local Save ‘n’ Shop for his outrageous outbursts at the cumquats for their stupidity, he is still a respected member of society, especially here at Plime.

He spends many hours at “Dungeons and Dragons,” but not the popular game – he actually refers to his spacious basement as the “dungeon” and plays constantly with what he calls his little “dragon.”

Preoccupied with something?

It must be you that's preoccupied with something, because I fail to find the connection between a person living with congenital hypertrichosis and an agoraphobic fellow who likes to use his imagination to escape his self-made prison by playing with toys.

Cleopatrareborn, thought she was, in fact, Cleopatrareborn. But her origins are quite different. She was born in a barn, and therefore always left the door wide open. Because she was born in barn, her room was, you guessed it a pigsty. Being an independent person, she never jumped off any bridges when her friends did.

Now Cleopatrareborn spends her days with the door wide open as always. She still believes she is Cleopatrareborn, and rules mightily over the farm animals.