Too bad you blew the engine in your car.

I just had the most delicious pizza.

Listen, I don't know how to tell you this; but that pizza was 20 years ago. You've been in a coma and everyone you know and love has aged and moved on.



I lost 5 pounds!

Too bad you'll gain them again after a trip to McDonalds.

I'm waiting for a package in the mail.

It won't arrive until after Christmas


I'm thoroughly entertained by this game

But you've always been impressed by stupid things.









I'm getting a divorce.

It won't be official for well over a year.

I'm re-reading one of my favorite books.

So what are d**k and Jane up to?

I'm off for a pint.

EDIT: I love our profanity filter - What are D I C K and Jane up to?

of blood due to your hemophilia.






I've got the house to myself this weekend and plan on having a big party to include booze and dancing women!!

won't be much of a party when your house finishes burning to the ground tonight.
**i might be going to hell for that**

My g/f just got a new job!

Too bad her pimp is such an a*****e.



I just got head!

Is that why the dog is gagging and you're all out of peanut butter?

I had a great cup of coffee this morning.

Uh...that wasn't coffee...

My friend's sister's baby's heart problem can probably be corrected when she's older.

Damn Ellz spoil a good game whydontcha.


j/k but seriously how do you expect me to answer that?

If you had said someone else's sister then I would have replied too bad she won't get any older, but come on your friends sister?


My cat has Kittens!

Kittens are filled with disease carrying fleas.

I'm getting off of work soon!

if only you had loved ones to go home to.

im getting ready for my move!

But you still have no job.

I just got a Christmas tree! And I'm Jewish.

oooo...low blow misswinkle ;)

Listen, I don't know how to tell you this; but that christmas tree was 20 years ago. You've been in a coma and everyone you know and love has aged and moved on.

I just won a free 20oz Mountain Dew!

It's probably as stale as your comebacks, and only 10oz of it is actually Mountain Dew.

/ziiiippp. :)

My insurance company paid my property taxes this year.

Too bad they just filed chapter 11.

I get to play in the snow tonight.