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Posted: 2 years ago by Milkshake:
This is the humour section isnt it??
Well lets have em them.
Score: [-] 100 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by Milkshake:
Two Lawyers.
Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”
“I know the feeling,” the other says.
“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”
Score: [-] 153 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by halvarado:
A boy and his girlfriend decide to have sex for the first time. The girl tells the boy to bring protection, and that night after he meets her parents they will make love.
He goes to the pharmacy and talks to the pharmacist about condoms and how to buy them. The boy tells him that he is really nervous and that his girlfriend is a virgin and the pharmacist talks to him for about an hour about sex.
He goes to his girlfriends house later that night, meets her parents and they sit down for dinner. The mother asks him to say grace and he bows his head in silence. Five minutes pass, ten minutes - total silence. After twenty minutes the girl leans close and says:
"I didn't know you were so religious."
He replies "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
Score: [-] 168 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by rjmiller:
Two drunks were walking on the railroad tracks.
One turns to the other and says, "These are the
longest set of stairs I've ever climbed".
The other one says, "Yeah, and these hand rails
are way too low!".
Score: [-] 169 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by Milkshake:
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your a*s."
Score: [-] 122 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by afeldman:
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.
Score: [-] 106 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by Milkshake:
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Score: [-] 87 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by halvarado:
TOP JOKE IN SCOTLAND. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Score: [-] 87 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by halvarado:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Score: [-] 143 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by Bornbad:
I'll get 1 star demoted for this!
Little Johnny misses a day at school.
He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"
"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium"
-----------------------------------------------------
Mummy, Mummy can I have spoon?
Why dearest?
The cat's been sick and me sisters getting all the big bits!
Score: [-] 97 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by Bornbad:
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted."
Score: [-] 301 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by XXXXXPP:
^^^hahahahahaaahaaaaa^^
that's so friggin hilarious! :D:D
Score: [-] 6 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by tomphoolry:
Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. However, she was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband was in serious, but stable condition, and Louella was charged with
a misdewiener.
Score: [-] 94 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by Milkshake:
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a d**k.
Score: [-] 166 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by icepigs:
Choosing a profession
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time
the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young
men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem
too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up."
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard,
and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as
he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects
on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He
picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked
the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a
Congressman! "
Score: [-] 158 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by em0ney:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Score: [-] 169 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by LazyEight:
A man sits down in a cafe. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.
"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of chili had finished his entire meal, except the chili bowl.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he spots a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "Yeah...that's about as far as I got, too."
Score: [-] 127 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by Milkshake:
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Score: [-] 177 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by runninutes:
So this baby seal walks into a club...
Score: [-] 177 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by runninutes:
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says.
The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a 'martini'?"
"Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
Score: [-] 110 [+].
Posted: 2 years ago by streetlight22:
Q: What do you call a Chinese pilot?
A: A pilot, you racist.
Q:Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A:Because it was the decomposing remains of a 1972 murder victim.
Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A:Blind.
Q: What's worse than your mom's cooking?
A: the Holocaust.
Q: What's sad about a bus full of people going over a cliff in Pakistan?
A: They were innocent civilians at the mercy of a deranged lunatic driver. They didn't deserve to die.
I could go on...
Score: [-] 179 [+].
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