Here's a really corny one:

How did the moron break his arm raking leaves?

He fell out of the tree.

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."

A timid little old lady was petrified of a dentist all her life. She had such a bad toothache that she had to go in. The dentist sits her down & as he puts the bib on her; she asks him to tell her when he's ready to begin. He goes over, gets all his tools, comes back & asks her " Are you all right"? Shaking, she replies "Yes". He leans over & says "Then we're ready to begin". She sticks out her hand & grabs his balls. He says "Lady, what are you doing"! She replies, "We won't hurt each other---will we"?

A farmer got pulled over by a police officier for speeding, and the officier started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable. Finally, the officier got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said," Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The officier stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The officier says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The officier says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

2005 Winter, Houston, TX, at Hghwy 6 and Westheimer intersection on the Best Buy store sign some lights have burned out.
The Y was completely gone, and the left panel of the U as well.
So it spelled:
BEST BJ

This is not a joke either, still it is kind of funny too. I am checking my amazon wishlist against my library's database and order if I find a match. Well they don't have mathematics, thats all right, in the history department it is a bit weak too, that is still all right. Then I search for "The Joy of Sex", I have heard a lot of this book, I have read the Joy of TeX and The Joy of Snacks, and eventually I intend to get the book that started these kind of titles. The only thing I get is a database error,
and after that just "Unable to connect". Obviously the database collapsed under the Joy of Sex.

Widdle Wabbits (A Thory to Warm Your Heart)

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me mithter, do you have widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so he's on her
level, and asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?"

She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and whispers, "I don't think my pet pyfon weally givth a thit."

What's worse than kicking a zombie baby wide left from the 10 yard line?

Running it in for a touchdown and spiking it in the ground only to have it stand up and chase after you with grass in its mouth, making donkey noises.




A guy walks into a psychologists office wearing a pair of shorts made from Saran wrap.
So the psychologist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.'



The bear replies, 'If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.'



The bartender says, 'Go ahead.'



So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.'



'What do mean,' says the bear. 'I'm not on drugs.'



'Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.'

A man is driving with wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.

"Sir," says the cop. "You were going 60 in a 50."

"No, I wasn't."

"Yes, you were," says the wife.

"Keep quiet!" says the man, angrily.

"And you weren't wearing a seatbelt," says the cop.

"Yes I was."

"No, you weren't," says the wife.

"SHUT UP!" says the man, really angry.

"Ma'am," asks the cop, "is he always the rude and violent?"

"Only when he's DRUNK."

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

In observation of the day:

Santa comes but once a year. Aren't you glad you are not Santa?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane....."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!...

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:


NEVER INTERRUPT!

A couple goes to Mars for a vacation and meet some of the locals. These aliens were quite human looking and quite HOTT as well so it didnt take long for the human couple to ask about switching for sex for one night.

The women and male alien go off to the hotel that they were staying at and the man goes to the alien's home.

The Women and alien are ripping at each other clothes when finally the women sees the aliens penis and looks disappointed at the size... It basically looks like a pencil, but its the size of her pinky!

"Whats wrong" the Alien asks.

"I think you are going to be too tiny for me."

The Alien laughs. "If you hit my forehead it gets longer!"

"It's still too thin!"

"If you pull on my ears it gets thicker!"

and they have a great night!!! The next morning the couples reunite.. and the man asks his wife "How was it?"

"Great, and yours?"

"It started out great but she wouldnt stop hitting my head and pulling my ears!"

Ten Years On A Desert Island:
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, 'Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, 'Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, 'If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

'Father,' replied the son, 'I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, 'If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

'Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. 'A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

'A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

'I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, 'but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

'Dear son,' said the father, 'I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. 'Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, 'I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

'Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

'Father,' the son said, 'You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. 'My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. 'Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. 'Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

'Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

'Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

'Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

'I..' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

'I.. I...'

Then he died.

The Aristocrats...?

That's called and anti-joke. And your reaction is the whole point in telling it.

The TOP 10 Things We Wanted To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's
Character 'Jedi Master Mace Windu' Say in the Star
Wars Prequels.

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these
ain't the motherf**kin' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause
even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherf**ker.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively,
have to kill every motherf**kin' stormtrooper in the room...
accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the f**k we're gonna
do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.

6. Feel the Force, motherf**ker.

5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce
on What?

4. You sendin' the Fett? s**t, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother
gonna do? He's a wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a b***h?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Motherf**ker.'