A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home,
and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his
excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the
table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results
and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the
freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes
home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel.
He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only
to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and
totally exhausted.

"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours
and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"

The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart
the legs a frozen chicken?"

A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have be en asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .

il be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'


' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME .

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

I couldnt find the bad joke bazzar thread so ill post here. Warning this is sapposed to be in the bad joke thread because it is a bad joke

How do you fit a 300 lb girl into a size three dress

you take the 'F' out of weigh
.
.
.
.
.
.
There is no F in weigh (no effin way)

Whats the only thing funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit


hehe my favorite joke because no one ever says "dead babies aren't funny"

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a..m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m.
Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin thr ee hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly .. Peter, Peter, something or other.."
______________________________ _____________

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
______________________________ _______________

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out fr om behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
______________________________ ______________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
______________________________ _____________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
______________________________ _____________

Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
______________________________ ______________


One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

We have a dead baby joke thread:

Sorry to downvote you, clansman; but the deadbaby jokes have been deemed unsuitable for this thread due to the "not over the top with the crude crap". It was discussed several pages back. As sucker pointed out, we do have a dead baby jokes thread for the "crude crap".

fair enough, I skimmed over most of it and saw some other dead baby jokes so figured it would be ok.

here's a cleaner one for those math nerds like myself

A mathamatician who is 65 decides that his wife can no longer satisfy him so he decides to have an affair with his 18 year old office assistant. Later that night he goes to the local Hilton and on the way he leaves a message at home for his wife. "Dearest wife. You are 65 years of age and I find that you can no longer satisfy my needs. I am at the Hilton with my 18 year old office assistant. Please understand my actions.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter from his wife waiting for him at the front desk it read "Dear husband, as you know you are also 65 years of age and I must admit that I have been unsatisfied for quite some time. By time you read this I will be at the Mariott with our 18 year old pool boy. And being the matimatician that you are you can realize that 18 goes into 65 more time then 65 into 18. Please don't wait up.

A man was back from his honeymoon with his new bride from Thailand. They were lying in bed and she just kept playing with his penis, rubbing it up and down and just having a great time.

The man, feeling all proud and studly says, "you sure do love my penis"
"No", she replies. "I just miss mine."

Okay. I am gonna qualify this. I find this joke, and others of its type to be extremely tasteless. I really do. They make me laugh anyway. And I feel really bad. So read at your own discretion.


Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at
such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment
said..
"Sure had a big d**k, didn't it?"

A man is sitting at a bar. It's getting late and he's been sitting there for a good while now, so the bartender leans over to him and says "Hey, I think it's time you start gettin' home. You've had more than enough to drink and if you don't get home soon, your wife is gonna really let you have it." Reluctantly, the man agrees and begins to make his way to the door.

As soon as he gets off the barstool, he falls to the ground. He thinks to himself, "Man, I am drunker than I thought, this is going to be harder than I thought to get home."

He starts crawling home. He is unable to stand, so he pulls himself with his arms. He grabs on to trees and tries to stand up but to no effect, so he continues to move himself along with his arms.

Finally he gets home. He tries to stand up at the front door, but he can't He tries to use the doorknob as a handle to stand up with, but he still can't. So finally he reaches as far as he can from the ground and puts the key in the hole and manages to get the door open, the whole time trying to be as silent as possible so he doesn't wake his wife.

Next he comes to the stairs. He knows he is too drunk to stand so he painstakingly crawls up the the stairs one hand at a time. He finally makes it to the bedroom and sees his wife in bed, still sound asleep.

He crawls over to the bed, but he still can't stand so he manages to pull himself onto the bed with two arms, as gingerly as possible, and lies down in bed next to her. He pulls the sheets up and breathes a sigh of relief. He did it!

The next morning, he awakes to a terrible hangover, in addition to his wife pummeling him with various objects from around the room and yelling profanities.

"What? Why are you doing this? What did I do?"

"You came home drunk again last night!!" she yells, throwing even heavier things now.

"No I didn't! I swear! I really didn't!" he protests.

"Oh, don't you dare try to lie to me! The bar called this morning and told me you left your wheelchair there again!"

Want more jokes!

Check here.

Well, since plime was down for a while there I had time to find a few jokes...


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."





People were in their pews talking at church. suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."




Two drunks were sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
Pete replied, "Yep. I was married to one for 15 years."




This guy decided that for his yearly vacation that he and his wife would leave the cold streets of Chicago and go to Florida, he decided that he would leave first then meet his wife there. When he arrived and made sure everything was in order he sent an e-mail to his wife.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Two girlfriends were having lunch one day and talking about their marriages. Sue commented that she and her husband Bob had found a great doctor to help them with their sexual problems. Linda said, "really, Tom and I have been having problems too, what did he say?"
Sue said, "well, after a complete examination the doctor told us to go to the store and buy some grapes and some donuts, then get naked and sit on the kitchen floor across from each other. Each time Bob tosses a grape into your vagina he has to get it out with his tongue, and each time you toss a donut around his penis, you have to eat it off. It really turned us on and our love life has been great ever since."
Linda got the doctor's name and made an appointment for she and Tom the next day. After another complete examination, the doctor came back and said, "sorry, I'm afraid I can't help you".
Linda was distraught. She said "doctor are you sure, you helped Sue and Bob so much, isn't there anything you can do for us?" The doctor said, "well, there is one thing you could try."
"ANYTHING, doctor, please tell us".
"OK", the doctor said, "first you need to go to the store and buy some grapefruit and a box of Cheerios."

Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blond at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blond looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blond replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blond placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blond was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."



A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?'
'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.
'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again; 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'
She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
'Nah', says the little old Jewish man... 'Costs too much...'



A shy guy in a crowded bar is trying to work up his nerve to talk to a beautiful girl sitting nearby. He finally goes up to her an quietly says, "Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?" She looks at him and in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, says, "No, I won't sleep with you!"
The guy is horribly embarrassed and returns to his bar stool. A few minutes later the girl comes over to him and says, "I want to apologize. I'm a grad student in psychology and am studying how people react to humiliating situations. I'm really sorry for doing that to you. Can you forgive me?"
In the same loud voice she had used, he looks at her and answers "$200! No way!"

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So, the Minister asked the congregation, 'What can you learn from this demonstration?'
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”



A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly angry now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."


A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?' " he asks.
"You gave me the wrong key!"



The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely Offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were jus t fine - they we re used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered the teeth



A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.
"This woman is 64 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"



Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the
best patients to operate on. The first surgeon from New York says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up,everything inside is numbered.'
The second from Chicago responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon from Dallas says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in, 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'




A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for one hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?



One day the big Chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.
"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary. "You're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one amongst them."
The Chief thinks for a few minutes, then says, "OK!, You say nothing, I say nothing."




One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Father, what is this?" he asked the pastor.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"


One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of The holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws Away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell The priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says,
'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?
'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.'