Why do midgets laugh when they run?

The grass tickles their nuts.

OOPS! I duped Oh Bornbad one (p. 21), with a joke I told HIM 4 weeks ago. :^) Thanks for the upvotes anyway.

Two muffins were sitting in an oven cooking.

One muffin says, "Its getting hot in here."

The other muffin looks over and in shock says, "Wow! You're a talking muffin!"

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to
the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What 's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must
be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he
is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No'

'Then you're a queer

Sorry. No worries though.

Q: Which side of a horse is more hairy?
A: The external.

Q: Which animal's sight is as good forward and back?
A: For example a blind horse's.

This little boy is talking to his father and he asks, "Hey dad, is God black or white?"
"He's both, son"
The son asks "Is God a boy, or girl?"
"He's both, son"
Confused, the little boy asks "So God is Michael Jackson?"

WAYS TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT


1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by
soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and
A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

Ways to be a Good Republican

1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an illness and needs our prayers for your recovery.

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the wrong gender.

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

7) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their
jobs to India.

8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

10) You hate the ALCU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.

12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.

13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

15) You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

16) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.

17) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science", but Creationism should be taught in schools.

18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a we-can't-find-Bin-Laden diversion.

20) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.

21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a private matter.

22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally assed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.

24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is stale news and irrelevant.

25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy

I just returned from a business trip to rural western Kentucky. While talking with an acquaintance, she asked me how much education was required to do my job.

I told her, then she said (imagine western KY twang here) "My family is big on education. My mother has a Ph.D." Really? I asked. "Yes, and two of my sisters too." I was a little surprised because her accent was so thick, and asked "What are they in?" to which she replied "Pentecostal Hair Do's!"

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, 'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ...'

'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?'

The woman answered, ' Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.'

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties..
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people..
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
_____
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you kan tipe reel goood.

Oldie but goodie.

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for Blanche, our Hunting dog, and was standing in line about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

First thing I thought was 'what gave you a clue, lady' but decided to go with it.

So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina weight loss Diet again. I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least. Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore.

They were drunk crickets.

Making a Baby
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

This could have been a nice entry here too.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you my son?”

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….”

“Very well my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.”

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

I hope this isn't too much over the top...
And hasn't been posted previously.

little Jimmy is four years old. He was
bugging the living daylights out of his mother, so she said, "Jimmy, they're building a new house across the street, why don't you go watch
them and see if you can learn something", Jimmy was gone for a few hours.

Later, When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned. Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, and the son of a b***h doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to shave a c**t hair off of each side and put the mother f**ker back up." Jimmy's mother said Whoa.. Jimmy, you can't talk like that.. You just wait until your father gets home."

Later that evening, Jimmy's father came home. Mother told him to ask Jimmy what he had learned across the street.. Jimmy's father asked and
Jimmy started to tell him the whole story, it wasn't long till Jimmy's father said that's enough Jimmy!

I want you to know you cannot talk like that.. it's not polite and unacceptable.

Well, Jimmy was hurt.. He didn't know any better.

Father said, you need to be punished for this.. go out to the back yard and get me a switch.


Jimmy looked up at his father and said...

f**k you.. that's the electricians job!!

Q: Why is skandargraun the only person in his house to change the lightbulbs?

A: Because he is boring.

NOTE: I only posted this to be able to claim the 500th joke post. I do not actually think it is funny.