Whore

You say that as if it were a bad thing.

Oh.. No connotations intended.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!'
'What happened?' asked the friend.

'My wife found out...'

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been," knock wood. She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Could you replace it with something funny? Except obviously if you think that would ruin the joke.

Yes I see your point. OK I changed it to a funny joke.

Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?’

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government.

CORRECTIONS TO LAST MONTH'S
LETTERS TO PENTHOUSE FORUM.

BY DAVID COPPER

- - - -

In the letter "Laying Late-Night Cable," it was misstated that "Shelly became immediately aroused at the sight of my rock-hard member straining to be free from my jeans." In truth, Shelly's initial demeanor would be best described as visibly uncomfortable and leery. She did not achieve a state of arousal until learning—after several awkward drinks—that performing fellatio would result in a free month of HBO and Starz.

- - - -

In the letter "Three-Way Freeway," it was implied that "Diana" begged for the opportunity to participate in sexual relations with her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend after accidentally walking in on their "sweaty, all-night lovemaking session." In actual fact, "Diana" was not aware of her participation in the "love sandwich" until she regained consciousness later that evening.

- - - -

In the letter "Calling Dr. Love," it was suggested that the letter writer's "throbbing member was purple with pulsating lust" until if found release in "the warm, wet mouth of an off-duty nurse in a hospital supply closet." The actual cause of said member's throbbing and discolored state was an unfortunate softball-related accident that landed him the in the hospital's emergency room. He is currently recovering from his injuries while facing harassment charges from several nurses and staff janitors.

- - - -

In the letter "And Wifey Makes Three," the letter writer stated: "My wife was eager to engage in a threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter." The sentence should read: "My wife was disgusted, repulsed, and, in every imaginable way, opposed to the thought of engaging in a threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter." Nor did the wife "wildly undulate" while seated on the face of the babysitter, or "moan in unending pleasure" as she watched her "superstud" of a husband give the babysitter "a good seeing-to." The letter writer also doesn't fight crime on the weekends from the confines of a secret underground lair.

- - - -

In the letter "Rent Payments," the letter writer described his landlady as having "the flawlessly tanned and toned body of a much younger woman" and "full, pouty lips that promised—and later delivered—satisfaction." The landlady, in fact, does not exist. Nor does the letter writer possess "an impressive love-tool that all the ladies crave." He did, however, totally make out with this one girl once and they were so going to do it, until his mom came home. Really.

- - - -

Penthouse Forum regrets these errors.

from our friends at McSweeney's

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2 . Place them on your front porch , along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:



Hey Bubba,

Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.
'Cooter'

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her.Encourage her.Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her.
Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth
and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

A Fairy Tale ????

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur, saying nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be s pared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you look. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
THINGS ARE GOING TO GET UGLY.

WARNING - CLEAN JOKE!

A young couple were madly in love when they tragically died in a car accident. At the pearly gates, they meet Saint Peter and say...

"We were cut down in the prime of our youth before we could wed. Can we still get married here in heaven?"

Saint Peter says, let me check on it and I'll get back to you.

A year later, Peter runs into the couple and says...

"There you are! I checked and you can now get married"

Thanking him, the couple says...

"That's great! But if it doesn't work out, can we get a divorce?"

An upset Saint Peter responds...

"What! It took me a year to find a priest up here and now you want me to try and find a lawyer?!!"

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'



'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'



'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'



'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'



'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'



'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'



'What about that eye patch?'



'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up and one of them s**t in my eye.'



'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird s**t?'



'It was my first day with the hook'

A suspicious wife hired a detective to follow her husband.

After only one night, the detective returned with a report.

"First, I followed him to a sleazy bar known to be a hangout for easy women and hookers. Then I followed him to a cheap by-the-hour motel. Later I followed him back to the same bar, and back to the same motel. Then I followed him home where he parked down the block and waited until your bedroom light was out for nearly half an hour, obviously waiting to be sure you were asleep."

"Well," the wife said, "I guess there is no doubt what he was doing then."

"Nope," replied the detective, "it was pretty obvious that he was following you."

RULES OF MILITARY FIGHTING

Marines; Army; Navy; Air Force : The main differences

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring their friends who have guns.

2. If you can, make friends with those on the crew served weapons. Bring them as well. Borrow money from them, it gives them an added incentive to protect you.

3. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

4. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

5. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

6. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

7. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

8. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.

9. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating (calling for arty or air support), reloading, and running.

10. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

11. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

12. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

13. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

14. Have a plan.

15. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

16. Have a back-up, back-up plan in case CentCom or SecDef finds the first two plans "unacceptable".

17. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The only visible target should be in your gun sights.

18. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect your flank.

19. Don't drop your guard.

20. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

21. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

22. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

23. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

24. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

25. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

26. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

27. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."


Army Rules for Gun Fighting

1. See USMC Rules to gun Fighting.
2. Add 60 to 90 days.
3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance.


Navy Rules for Gun Fighting

1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
2. Send in the Marines.
3. Drink Coffee and eat donuts.


Air Force Rules for Gun Fighting

1. Kiss the wife goodbye.
2. Drive to the base in your sports car.
3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, (try not to hit the Canuks) fly back to your home base.
4. BBQ some burgers and drink beer in your back yard, and talk s**t about the Navy, Army and Marines.

Hell - those rules were why I joined the Navy!

My dad would always tell me this one with a pirate accent. It was always one I could spit out because I had memorized it so well.

Wait, this is a humor thread. If you want to spout facts, you need to start a new thread under MILITARY.

(If I could upvote twice, I would.)

From the NAVY perspective, I must add:

"Aggressive offshore posture" means "soften up the beach" with bombs and shells and whatnot (in the same way that digestion "softens up" that nice steak). In more modern times, this also includes controlled-crashing airplanes on the roof.

Also, this includes satisfying all those Air Force wives while their hubbies take off from nice paved runways.

This is basic care and feeding of jar-heads. Ship'em, feed'em, let'em kill somebody. Otherwise they get grouchy.

Hey, some of that coffee is strong and bitter. And just to be sure we are properly manly, the donuts arrived stale.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes, perhaps?'
The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. NEXT