Australians Called On To Fight Terror

We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So, next Sunday at 4:00 PM , all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti terrorist sentiment.

The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery
firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days

before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day,

but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough.


"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.


"We can't stand the sight of each other any

longer," the father says. "We're sick of each

other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call

your sister in Denver and tell her."


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the

phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced,"

she shouts, "I'll take care of this."


She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her

father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a

single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother

back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,

don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.


The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay." he says, "They're coming for

Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Ha! I'm going to call up Pizza Hut and when they ask what I want, I'm going to tell them I want a Diana Ross....and then we'll see what I get.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

(With a nod to gadget week.....)

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper stated, "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Redneck Gazette reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless."

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looked down and said, 'Well, looky here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his @$$ and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump
May your potatoes and gravy never have a lump
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a
sign on top of their car which said:
'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled. 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two gals driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

'Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50'.

There was a new zookeeper. On his first day, they gave him a list of jobs he had to do.

The first one was to feed the fish. When he got there he found a tree branch, two dead chimpanzees and many dead fish. It seems a chimpanzees had climbed out on a branch and tried to catch a fish. The branch must have broken, the chimpanzees fell in and drowned, and the resulting pollution killed the fish.

Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to start his first day linked to mass animal death, he scooped out entire mess and threw it all over the neighboring wall (which happened to be into the lion habitat.

Later that day, a new lion was introduced to the lion habitat. . When he met the other lions he asked, "What do you eat here?"

The other lion answered: “Well we usually eat steak but breakfast today was fish and chimps!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” he responded.
“Oh? Killing any?”
“Yep, 3 males and 2 Females.”
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”
“Easy, 3 were on my beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

The Importance Of Correct Punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That's nothing,” says Sean, “here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Barbecuing
---------------------------------

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
5. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

You're going to die, she replied.

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, “I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World, isn’t it!”

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doctor, “I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I'm glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “you have a REALLY nice house.”

Dear Government Official,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the not raising hogs business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford a car.

Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

Also, I am considering the not milking cows business, so send me any information on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,
Joe-Bob

A man walks into a bar and sees a pirate sitting by the bartender with a peg leg, hook for a hand, and wearing an eye patch. Since there weren't many pirates around where he lived, he wandered over and bought him a beer, hoping to hear some wild tales.

After a bit, he screwed up the courage to ask the pirate what happened to his leg. "Arr! Me mateys and me were fightin' some other buccaneers off the coast of Madagascar, and one of 'em swung his sword and took me leg clean off."

What about your hand, there? "Arr, I lost that fishin' a mate out of the drink after he fell overboard. A shark jumped out of the water and bit it clean off, so now I have me hook."

And what happened to your eye? "I was peerin' through my sextant one day when a gull flew over and shat right in me eye." The pirate shook his head as the man said, "But wait... bird poo shouldn't make you go blind?"

"Aye, but it was the first day I had me hook."

Man walks into a bar with an octopus and announces that it was the most amazing octopus in the world; it could play any instrument known to man.

First man in the bar steps up and hands the octopus a guitar which the octopus plays beautifully.

Next man steps up and hands the octopus a harp which (having eight arms) the octopus plays like a pro.

Next guy, a Scotsman, steps up and hands the octopus a set of bagpipes. The octopus pics them up and turns them over slowly in his arms and looks at them. The octopus owner leans over and hisses in the octopus ear "For Gods sake, you're making me look stupid, play the damned thing!". To which the octopus replies "Play It?? If I could figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'd f**k it!"