Guy walks into a bar. On the bar there is a huge jar full of $5.00 bills. He asks the bartender about it. Bartender says "Oh you put in $5.00 and try to make the horse out back laugh. No one has ever done it."

Guy walks over and drops in a fiver. Goes in out back for 10 seconds and opens the door. The horse is laughing its butt off. He grabs the jar and walks out.

2 weeks later, he comes back in and there is another jar filled with $10.00 bills. The bartender says "HEY YOU! See what you started? Now the horse won't stop laughing and we can't make him!"

The guy drops in a ten spot, goes in the back for 10 seconds and opens the door...the horse is sobbing uncontrollably. He grabs the jar and makes for the door.

The bartender stops him and says "Oh no you don't! You HAVE to tell me what the hell just happened!"

The guy looks at him and says "Well 2 weeks ago to make the horse laugh, I told him my d*ck was bigger than his."

The bartender says "OK well what about just now? How did you get him to cry?"

The guy says "Today I showed him."

Same bartender (why this guy doesn't change careers is beyond me) is working one night when a guy comes up and says to him "I bet you $50.00 that if you take an empty pitcher and slide it down the bar, I can stand on the bar and fill it with piss before it falls off the end."

Now this bartender was not stupid so he took the bet. He cleared the bar and slid the pitcher down the length of it. The guy whips it out and starts pissing. He pisses all over the place...barely any gets in the pitcher, but the bar is pretty well soaked down.

The bartender goes up to the guy who pays him immediately without question. As the bartender smiles at him, he asks "What made you try such an idiotic bet?"

The guy points over to a corner table and says "See those three guys over there crying? I just bet them $100.00 each that I could piss all over your bar and you would be happy about it."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what this is? "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your Daddy wants from your Mommy before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

I thought it was gonna be like this post:

I was all preparing my brain for the shock but nice turn around.

For Halloween...

Why do witches ride their brooms with no underwear?




To get a better grip.

Lmao! That's great

A slip of the tongue can be so embarrassing.
When I asked the beautiful salesgirl for a ticket to Pittsburgh, what came out was a "Picket to Titsburg".

That's nothing. The other day I asked my wife to pass the salt and ended up saying, "You b***h, you ruined my life!"

No problem, there comes the elevator.

What about the 11th baby that is alive and tries to eat his way out from under the dead ones?

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

I actually lol'd. Nice.

A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"

The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either! Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good - in fact, he knew very little–but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

There were five country churches in a small TEXAS town......
Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, the Catholic Church and the Jewish
Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and
consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined
to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in
the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the
baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The METHODIST CHURCH decided that they were not in a position to
harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and
set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the
squirrels were back.

The CATHOLIC CHURCH came up with the best and most effective
solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they were
seen taking one squirrel and had a short service with him called
"circumcision" and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property
since.

-What is the definition of innocence?
-A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

That's cute.

Once, there was this woman with no arms and no legs sitting on the beach. She was lonely and depressed because no talked to her.

A man walking by saw her and took pity on her. he decided to talk to her. She said, "I'm so lonely and depressed. I've never been held by a man before, could you give me a hug?"
The man obligied and moved on.

Seeing an other man walk toward her she called out again, "I'm so depressed and lonely. I would just like one kiss because I've never been kissed by a man before." The man knelt down and kissed her on the lips. He then moved on.

A third man walked near the armelss and legless woman sitting on the beach. This time she called out, "I'm lonley and depressed. Nobody will talk to me because of the way I am. Please, sir, I've never been screwed by a man before. Could you screw me?"

The man thought about this for awhile. He then nelt down and picked her up. He carried the armelss and legless woman into the deep water and threw her down. He said, "there, now you are screwed"

How is dealing with the mafia and performing oral sex on a woman alike?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep s**t

IRISH supergroup U2, due to play in Adelaide next month, recently held a concert in Glasgow, Scotland.
Halfway through the concert, lead singer Bono stood in a spotlight on stage and asked the audience of 30,000 for complete silence.
Gradually the auditorium fell quiet.
Then Bono began slowly clapping.
The audience was spellbound. Was this the beginning of a song? Did he want everyone to clap with him?
He took the microphone and said: "Everytime I clap my hands a child dies in Africa."
The spell of silence was broken when a wag in the front row shouted: "Well, stop f**king doing it then!!"

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what
she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming *Monster* Roller Coaster, everything there was. *
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head
was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. **
He then took her to a **McDonald's** where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake. ** *
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well
Dear, what was it like being six again??'
***Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant
my dress size, you dumb ass!'** **
*

*The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong.*