Jerry, you're not an arsehole! you're a cashew! duh!

Luckily, I don't believe in violence, so I'd never resort to beating someone up. I do have a few legal tricks up my sleeve, though, as Mr. Unknown a*****e may well discover.

Reboot it's your lucky day! since you dont believe in violence and i totally respect that, i will offer my services, if need be, for a small fee. 1 six pack of Guiness extra stout.

That's just Coma talk!

no no kind sir! i'm fully functional now. except for my liver, but we all know that story.

Dear a*****e at Brighthouse,

I am so sick of paying for your s**tty service. I'm watching a movie and just when I'm starting to like it, it pauses. I hit play, turn off/on the box and it still wont work. Thats it, I'm trying Verizon!

Dear Unknown A******,

Thanks you for backing out and leaving a two foot long scrape in the side of my truck, and on a military base no less, where people are supposed to be more honest.

Yeah, it wasn't completely f****** obvious.

Dear Unknown a*****e,

Everyone else was sitting down. Everyone. There was some logic to this; with everyone sitting down, we all had a better chance of actually seeing the entertainment on the stage, rather than just listening to it.

I'm not sure if you were too stupid to realize this simple fact, or if you were too obnoxious to care. In either case, you proceeded to plant your ample arse right in front of my chair for the entire show, completely obstructing the view of not only myself but several people seated nearby.

Next time, how about showing some consideration for the other people around you? Squeeze that fat butt of yours into a seat so the rest of us can see around it. a*****e.

Haha you had to look at that a*****e's a*****e.

Nah, the guy was probably wearing pants.

Dear Unknown a*****e.

I hate you. Get off the phone, use your mirrors and look down at the speedo, instead of bonding and b***hing at 75 miles an hour, followed by 61 miles an hour, as dictated by the tempo of the conversation. I'm sure your gossip/venting/nagging is crucial to your vapid state of mind- God forbid you don't get to partake in this daily/hourly ritual of downloading the useless contents of your mind..

Please. Shut up and drive. You'll really look stupid when you have to explain to the officer that you rear-ended a truck because your sister's boyfriend is breaking up with her.

Oh- Must you slather yourself with an entire bottle of body lotion? I can smell you from ten feet away, and from that distance, it's still strong enough to overpower every other smell in the room.

Dear unknown a*****e,

Please stop trying to ruin my jokes. I know they are quite pathetic but just because my humor isn't up to par with yours doesn't mean you have to shoot me down like that. I mean in front of everybody too how embarrassing. Please raise yourself esteem at some one else's expense.

Thank You

Dear a*****es;

It was a morning movie. There were maybe 30 people in the whole theatre. Plenty of room for everyone to get a good seat without being crammed next to a stranger. Hell, most rows only had 2 people in them! Hubbin and I were the only ones in our row until you showed up.

So why did you, Mr and Mrs a*****e, walk down the aisle so that you had to pass in FRONT of us, instead of going to the other side? And, having chosen to share our row, why did you insist on sitting right next to me? There was a whole f**king row--put a seat between us, eh? The entire reason I get up and attend 9AM movies is so I DON'T have to put up with anyone other than hubbin sitting next to me!!!

Next time, I'm going to get up and move away from you. If asked why, I will say it's because you suck.

Be prepared.

Ahem...

'unknown'

fail.

I wasn't naming any names

I uhh hit the quote button instead of the 'add a comment button'

yeah that's what I did.

Dear unknown a*****e,

Thank you for being the only person in my sixth grade class who didn't give a Secret Santa gift. I am so very glad that it was my name you pulled out of the hat. You just reinforced my opinion of humanity by not seeing past your own popularity to make a lonely, depressed geek such as myself have just one moment of happiness. Congratulations! You are exactly like every single person I have ever met! Thank you for making me feel less than human.

Dear a****** shoppers,

I know Whole Foods is new. I know it's novel and sparkly and posh. But, it's a grocery store. I go there ... *shock* ... to buy groceries!
Not to browse, not to taste test, not chat with foodies or to calculate the price per pound of wheat grass! To shop, for food. Food that in some cases I cannot buy elsewhere. Food that I'm more than happy to pay a premium for.

And BTW a******, stop touching everything. Stop saying loudly how expensive everything is. No s**t sherlock, this isn't walmart. Take your sausage hands off my fruit. Stop fondling the mushrooms. Stop oogling the baked goods. For the love all things holy stop grazing like it's a buffet!

Get out of my way. Let me get my butter and unhomogenized whole milk (OMFG it's so good!) and cheese and hydroponic boston lettuce. Let me get my cookies and potato samosas and no one will get hurt. I'm sick. I need comfort food. Get the **** out of my way.

ktksbai


Oh P.S.

Dear a****** n00b behind the cheese counter...if you ever EVER try to sell me this s***ty buffalo butter again so help me god...

i'm a bit late, but here goes:

dear unknown a*****es,

thank you so much for bringing your newborn infant (and their carseat) with you to the midnight showing of harry potter and the goblet of fire on its opening night. i'm certain your adorable little tot was bright enough to follow the movie and enjoyed it greatly as was apparent by the way his/her little head lolled around when you kept holding them up so they could see the action on screen. i wasn't at all bothered by the constant cooing sounds you were making at the baby, nor the 1am feeding. i'm sure the child wasn't bothered by the way you two passed him/her back and forth like a doobie throughout the movie, in fact he/she was so delighted at their first movie going experience that they soiled themselves with joy! but hey, don't bother with that crappy diaper till after the movie - i'm sure junior didn't mind and it would've been a shame for them to miss a minute of the show. ahh the joys of parenting.
NEXT TIME GET A SITTER YOU *%&$#@! a*****eS!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

dear unknown a*****e employed by showplace 16 on the above mentioned night,

thank you so much for not turning the above a*****es away when they arrived at the theater toting a newborn in a carseat. it was no problem whatsoever and in no way diminished the enjoyment of the movie for myself or the other movie goers that evening. thanks bunches! i hope you work there for years to come never receiving a promotion or raise. you deserve it....jerk.

quick hijack.

I LOVE Whole Foods. And the same a*****es shop at mine, too.


/hijack.

Dear unkown a*****e with the white corvette,

You have a Corvette, why are you going 30 on a 45. Do you really to show off your car for an extra 30 seconds or something, its a Corvette I'm not that impressed. And that whole thing that you did where you put the wrong turn signal on but pointed out of the window which way you were really going really through me off, and kinda made me want to floor it and brace for impact with the back of your car, but then insurance would go through the roof and it wasn't my car I was driving and so I decided not to. AND then you finally pull into your driveway thank god. I notice that you have a really long drive way but you still park your Corvette near the road. More showing off eh? Well if your car one day gets egged, you know why.