Just a thread for jokes that shouldn't be in the Joke Wars or anywhere else in the forums.

Anything goes here. If you are easily offended then it's probably best to read no further.

Please no whining about being offended by jokes posted here, the warnings in the title.

"Doctor! I think my wife is dead."

"How can you tell?"

"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."

A priest, a lawyer, a 5th grade teacher, and her entire class are on a plane. All of a sudden the plane loses altitute and begins to plummit. "Oh my god" says the teacher, "we have to save the kids."
The lawyer replies "f*ck the kids." Eagerly, the priest says "well, do we have time?"

How many sugars does Christopher Reeve take in his coffee?

*blinks twice*.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Christopher Reeve after a house fire

What's the difference between Jessica Simpson's mouth and her vagina?

Nothing retarded has come out of her vagina yet.

*on the phone to boss*

I can't come in to work today I'm sick.




How sick are you?




Well I'm f**king my sister.

How do you make a school girl cry twice?


take your bloody d**k and rub it on her teddy bear

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice

What do 10,000 battered women have in common?

None of them fucking listen

A man goes to his doctors to pick up his wife's test results.
DOC: I'm afraid there's bad news.
MAN: What is it?
DOC: Well, we're not sure. Your wife has either Alzheimer's or AIDS.
MAN: Bloody hell! Well, which one is it?
DOC: Dunno. But there is a test you can do.
MAN: Which is...?
DOC: Put her in your car and drive her out into the middle of nowhere.
MAN:Then...?
DOC: Leave her there. If she find's her way home, don't f**k her.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

What's the difference between a Christian blow-up doll and a Muslim blow-up doll?

The Muslim one blows itself up.

What's it tell you when your wife walks in from the kitchen and slaps you round the face?

The chains too long

What do a Bible and a cock have in common.

They both get shoved down your throat by a priest

To preface this joke, it actually gave my one friend a complex for a while. All we had to do was say her name and he would cringe...

So, a sailor got assigned to mop the deck when the ship pulled in for shore-leave. All the other sailors went out and started their nights.
By the time the sailor of our tale was done mopping, he knew it would be hard to find an available prostitute in town since there were other ships in port and this was a relatively small town.
He set off towards the first whore house and was told that all of the whores were taken and wouldn't be available for a few hours.
Next whore house, same thing. Same with the next, and the next.
By the time he's reached the fifth whore house, he's wasted a good chunk of the night and he's getting pretty desperate.
The matron of the house tells him, "Well, there is one whore available but you wouldn't want her."
"This is the fifth whore house I've been to tonight and she's the only whore available, I'll take her, I don't care at this point."
So the matron says, "Alright, if you say so. Up the stairs, last room on the right, Sandpaper Sally."
The sailor runs up the stairs, throws open the door... and sees a beautiful woman sitting on the bed nude. Not wasting any time, he strips out of his clothes, pounces onto the bed, plows into the whore, and finds out how she got her nickname.
After a few choice words, he asks her if there is anything she can do to make it feel any better. She says that she has an idea and runs off to the bathroom.
After a few minutes, she returns. The sailor tries again and it feels great, best sex of his life.
After they finish, he turns to her and asks, "What did you do to make it feel so good when it felt like sandpaper before?"

"Oh, I just picked the scabs and let the puss run."

A picture joke. I hope it's ok to put it here. It has bad language and could offend, so I thought it fit.

LOL

Pics, videos ect would be great here IMO. I'd just like it to be a place for any kind of irreverent, offensive, dirty humour that can't go anywhere else on Plime.

Oh good. I might have to visit this thread often.

Sherlock Holmes says to Watson "Go get the Vaseline I wish to bum you"

"Very well Holmes" says Watson, a couple of minutes later, "Sorry Holmes, cant find the Vaseline",

"Then fetch the lemon curd" said Holmes.

A couple of minutes later Watson comes back with the lemon curd and Holmes bums Watson.

Afterwards Watson says to Holmes "How did you know to use lemon curd?". Holmes says "Lemon entry, my dear Watson, lemon entry".

UCH. Dude. I am generally unsquickable but consider me utterly squicked.