My mum just made me clean out the hairs out of the bathroom plug.

My God, it felt like I was fingering Susan Boyle.

A pimp sends out his lady for the night and in the morning she returns:

Pimp: How much did you make?

whore: $105.50

Pimp: What b*****d give you $0.50?

whore: All of them...

An Arab goes to a jew to buy bras.
The Jew, sniffing the good deal, tells him that they are vrey rare
and that not too many are left, so he sells them for $40 each !
The Arab buys 6 of them !
He comes back a few days after and ask for 2 dozens more !
the Jew happy of himself, says that they are getting rarer and rarer
and he sells them for $50 each !
One month after, the Arab buys all the remaings for $75 !!!
The jew astonnished asks him what does he do with all those bras...
The Arab answers him: "I cut them in 2 and I make of them little huts
That I sell to Jews for $100 each !!!!!"

Bra huts?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...."

Thats a yarmulke for you.

The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your bosss car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If youve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mates fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mates birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boys choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whos playing.
9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), shes officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when youre sunning on a tropical beach ... and its delivered by a topless model and only when its free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless youre in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends dont let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a mans fly is down, thats his problem, you didnt see anything.
15: Women who claim they love to watch sports must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, thats just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, youd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if shes withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly just a friend have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that youre feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question What do you want for Christmas? with If you loved me, youd know what I want! gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics. Ever.
27: Weve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, Youre next fatty!
I hope this clears up any confusion,



The International Council of Man Laws

I feel that I must amend and/or refute two of these laws.



4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. This rule does not apply you get the guy's permission, he specifically requests you "date" his sister, or you are performing your duties as a wingman.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mates fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. Friends don't let friends drink crappy beer. If DEP* invites me over to his house to drink beer and watch the game, but all he has is Bud Lite, then I am expected to inform him about his extremely poor choice in adult beverage. (I chose DEP because I KNOW he has better taste in beer than that)

Fair enough, good points.

Bud Lite is equivalent to Satan's piss so it's a more then fair point

I'm sorry, but I'm a bit confused here. If I understand this correctly, you are questioning the lack of actual beer in DEP's fridge?

According to the Rules of being Canadian, free beer must never be insulted, for quality, temperature or anything else. That's what you get for not bringing your own suds, hoser.

If a friend calls me and says "I've got beer - come drink it with me" and then offers me crap, then I have a right to complain.

If it's a BYOB, then the beer I drink is my decision.

If someone invites you over to their house for a Seafood Dinner and offers you a tuna fish sandwich, are you saying it's your fault that you didn't bring your own lobster???




(cause if that's true, I want to date you cause I wouldn't have to try that hard in bed...you should supply your own orgasm)

**this is the "Adult Joke Thread" I felt I must get us back on target here.**

Last time I checked, Chinook was a woman. This is a man rule. Why are you trying to explain it to her? She won't be able to understand it unless you put in terms that she can relate to.

Chinook...it's like one of your girlfriends invites you over to help mop the floor and then gives you Palmolive Dish Washing Liquid to do the job. Get it now?

Upvoted for the use of the word 'hoser'

I'm still LOLing...

What do most girls say when they experience their first orgasm?

Gulp.

How do you stop a dog humping your leg?




Suck its d**k.

I'm glad someone broke it down for her. Good work Moe

You better get a vasectomy, because you're not getting laid with those balls ;)



also

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?" The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night." The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night." The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy f**ks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl f**ks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a s**tty lock.

A young teenager was talking to his older, college aged brother.

He asks, "What is the difference between a vagina, a pussy, and a c**t?"

"That's easy:

• A vagina is that special slice of heaven between a woman's legs.
• A pussy is a vagina you want, and
• A c**t is the b***h that tells you "No Pussy" after you shelled out 50 bucks on a date.

"