What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture.

A woman went to a doctor and said "Doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The doctor said "Oh really, what have you been doing for it?"

The woman replied "Snorting pepper."

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.

A large jet liner flying over the pacific ocean loses both of its engines. The pilot comes onto the PA and says "passengers, we are about to crash into the ocean. You all have about 5 minutes to live"

For a few seconds the passengers sit in stunned silence, when suddenly a woman stands up and says "If i'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Who on this plane is man enough to make me feel like a REAL woman before I die"

5 rows back a man stands up and says "I am".

He then unbuttons his shirt, takes it off and tosses it to the woman and says "Go wash that."

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?







So she can moan with the other.

If big breasted women work at Hooters, where does a one legged women work?

IHOP!

What does a Texas tornado and a Tennesee divorce have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.

A guy tells his wife that he really wants to eat her out.

"But I'm on my period," she says.

"I don't care," he tells her. "I really want to taste that muff."

"But what if someone comes to the door?" She asks, "You'll have blood all over your face."

He thinks about it. "I'll just tell whoever it is that I've been eating a messy jelly sandwhich."

At last the wife concedes and the husband gets down to business.

No more than a few minutes pass when suddenly the door bell rings. The man gets up from his wifes messy snatch and makes his way to the door.

At his door is a traveling sales man. "What's all over your face?" the salesman asks.

"I was eating a messy jelly sandwich," the husband replies.

"Oh," the salesman says. "There's some peanut butter on your nose."

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=squick

You did mean the first entry, right? I don't recalling having sexual intercourse with your skull (I think that would be something I would remember).

Now that you mention it, my ear canal feels a little chafed.

A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two insects mating.

"Daddy, what are those two bugs doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the bug on top?" she asked.
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we’re not having any of that queer s**t in our garden!"

A guy was driving down the highway with his wife in the passenger seat. She asked him if he would like a 65 mph hum job (always a good idea of course). He immediately agreed, and whipped it out.

Unbeknownst to him, she had recently discovered that he was poking their neighbor's 22 year old daughter. As she leaned over into his lap, she reached into her purse and pulled out a butcher knife. She cut off his johnson and threw it out the window.

In the car behind them, was Mr. Webster and his 8 year old daughter. The bloody schwantz smashed wetly into the windshield, startling both of them tremendously. Mr. Webster was caught unawares for a few moments, but then gathered his thoughts and flipped on the windshield washer and wipers, sending the offending meat tube onto the highway.

Little Susie Webster asked "Daddy, what was that?"

Not wanting to introduce his daughter to the world of the birds and the bees in such a crude manner, Mr. Webster stammered "Errrr, nothing sweety, just a mosquito. It's gone now, nothing to worry about."

Silence passed in the car for a few moments.

Then Susie Webster said "It sure did have a big dick, huh?"

Paul McCartney was being interviewed about his marriage problems. The interviewer asked "Do you think you will ever go down on one knee again"?

He replied "I'd prefer it if you'd call her Heather"

A farmer walks into his wife's bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Just wanted to show you the pig I've been f**king behind your back."

The wife says, "That's not a pig, its a sheep."

The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."

Little boy walks into his mums bedroom and finds his dad and mum f**king like rabbits, dad rolls off surprised

Little boy...What are yous doing

Dad ..I'm keeping mum warm son

Little boy..Mum, whats that between your legs

Mum..Thats my hedgehog

Little boy..Christ, look at the size of its pussy

Why is marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning is a lot of sucking and blowing.

When it is over, your house is gone.

So a Father and Mother, their son and daughter, and the family dog walk into a talent agent. They tell the talent agent they have a great act. Really stellar. But the agent says he has no room for any acts at the moment, and the family insists they perform the show. Saying it will only take a few minutes of your time, they have worked really hard.

The talent agent says alright, go ahead.

Wait, I dont think this site is prepared for a full out telling of this joke, now are we?

YESSSS, I LOVE DOWNVOTES. Nothing makes me happier to find one of my old comments with negative karma. Infact, im in such a good mood im going to head over to digg to remind me just how much I love spiteful people.

There was a fly flying six inches over the lake.

At the same time there was a fish in the water that was gonna jump up and eat the fly when it came over.

At the same time there's a bear thinking that when the fish goes for the fly he's gonna grab the fish and eat it.

At the same time there is a hunter thats gonna drop his sandwich and shoot the bear when it goes for the fish.

But at the same time there's a mouse thats gonna take the hunters sandwich when the hunter goes to shoot the bear.

And there's a cat who at the same time is thinking he's gonna run over and eat the mouse when it goes for the sandwich.

So this all happens at the same time and the cat ends up falling into the lake.

So what is the moral of this story?

"When the fly goes down six inches the pussy always gets wet"

Dude seriously, you're using a joke thread to whine about ONE downvoted comment?! o_0