(^^ DV'd for the whine about DV's)

What does a walrus have in common with tupperware?


They both like a tight seal.

Reposted from the other joke thread:

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their semen together and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other."All these unhappy babies.... And yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another." The nurse says "Oh sure, he's happy now,
but just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass!"

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, The Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

^^^^
The American - Takes the cup of coffee with fly home and calls his lawyer to set up a lawsuit against the coffeehouse for $35 million.

An Englishman, Irishman, a blonde beautiful woman, and an old crone are sitting in a carriage on a train.

The train enters a tunnel. As the carriage goes dark, they hear a *SMACK*.

As the train exits the tunnel, everyone can see the Englishman with a big red hand-print on his cheek.

"Ha!" Thinks the old woman, "he tried to cop a feel of that lovely blonde, and she slapped him!"

"Oh gosh!" thinks the hot blond, "I think he was going to try and feel me up, but got the granny instead!"

"Ouch" thinks the Englishman "That Irish fecker must have tried to feel up the blonde, but she thought it was me!"

"Nice one" thinks the Irishman "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that English b*****d again"

I have to say that I find this thread quite offensive. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

O_o...

PEOPLE PILE ON THE BUNNY!

A family of prostitutes are talking.

The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".

The mother says, "In my day it was £5".

The Grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink".

So this kid lives with his Mom, Dad, Grandmom and, Grandpop. At night the kid says "Good night mom, Goodnight dad, Goodnight grandmom, Goodbye grandpop"

The next day the Grandpop is dead.

That night the kid says " Good night mom Good night dad, Goodbye grandmom"

The next day the Grandmom is dead

The Third night the boy says "goodnight mom, Goodbye dad"

the Dad freaks out because he doesn't want to die, so he stays up all night hoping he won't die.

When tomorrow rolls around, the wife goes out to get the mail and when she comes back in she goes,

"Oh my god the mailman is dead!!!"

What's the best part about having sex with twenty-nine-year olds?



There's twenty of them.

Hmmm

It's funny, not because the joke's funny, but because it was you that told it.

A farmer couldn't get his bull to get excited enough to mount his cow, so he called in an expert.

The expert tells the farmer as he is demonstrating... "This is a very simple fix. What you do is reach your hand up in this cows coochie. Then you slosh it all around getting your hand full of that good ol' sloppy gooeyness...then you smear it over here on the bulls face"
Sure enough the bull perked up and made a run to mount the cow with his big ol' bull boner.

Later that night the farmer is laying in bed next to his sleeping wife. Thinking the same should work for him, he reached down and rubs his hand all up in his wife's coochie and then give his face a good rub with all the wetness.
"Boing" worked like a charm.
Excited, he wakes his wife..."Honey...Honey...wake up"
Groggy, his wife reaches over and turns on the light, looks at her husband and says, "What the hell Henry, you woke me up to tell me you got a nose bleed?"

Your av is funny, not becuase the picture is funny, but because it is you that has it.

What does Boy George have in common with his Cell Mate (in for car theft)?

Both were convicted of forced entry into the rear of an escort

probably one of the most blasphemous jokes, certainly one that will piss off quite a few people

just a little retort you can tell people (or add graffiti)

Jesus Loves You
yeah but will he swallow

I disavow responsibility for anyone that gets hit my lightning because of this

Recent studies have found that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

2 eggs were boiling in a pan and one says " f**kin hell I've got a huge crack"

The other one replies " shut it you tease I'm not even hard yet."

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

I wrote this joke a week ago:

My d**k resembles a super oil tanker... Hopefully Somali pirates don't jack it!