Original:

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?

What did the flirty orthopedics doctor say to his pretty patient?

Whats a bad joint like this doing in a pretty girl like you!

- I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really?
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

Teacher to Joe:
- Joe, both you and your neighbor Jack have the same mistakes in the spelling test. Why?
- Well, both of us have the same teacher

Russian panacea
Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

The Lone Ranger gets captured one day by an indian tribe. The cheif tells him, "You have been a strong warrior and fierce combatant over the years. Because of this, in your honor, we will give you three nights to do as you will before we kill you. But you may not leave our encampment."

So the Lone Ranger goes to his horse and whispers something in its ear. The horse gallops off and comes back a few hours later with a naked redhead sprawled across his back. The Lone Ranger looks at this, shakes his head a little, takes the woman down from the horses back, and disappears into a tent with her.

The next day he walks up to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse gallops off and comes back a few hours later with a blonde, buck naked across his back. The Lone Ranger shakes his head and takes the woman back into a tent.

The next day the Lone Ranger walks up to his horse and takes it by the ears, shouting at it. "For the last time, I need you to bring me a POSSE!"

Having escaped his captivity, the Lone Ranger met up a few weeks later with Tonto and they rode off to fight more crime.

However, the Indians kept pursuit. The laid a huge ambush for the two of them. When they rode to the top of a hill, they looked down and saw 10,000 Indian braves ready for battle.

The Lone Ranger turned to his trusty sidekick and said "Well Tonto, looks like we've got a real problem"

Tonto turned to him and said "What do you mean 'we' paleface?"

After the Lone Ranger had fought off the Indians Him and Tonto were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

So after that, The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town to get a drink on this hot hot Arizona day.

They were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

The Lone Ranger left the bar and he and Tonto started riding out of town.

After riding for some time the Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, Look towards sky, what you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,

“Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo s**t. It tells me someone stole tent.”

3 men were traveling by boat, when suddenly they were seized by a tribe of Indians. After tieing them they were taken to the Indian Chief.

The Indian Chief says to the first guy:

IC: 'How you like to die?'

1st Guy: 'Hanging'

So the Indians hang the first guy and he dies.

IC: 'Peel skin off, sun dry and make canoe'

Then the Indian Chief turns to the second guy:

IC: 'How you like to die?'

2nd Guy: 'Gun'

So the Indians hand him a gun and he dies.

IC: 'Peel skin off, sun dry and make canoe'

Then the Indian Chief turns to the third guy:

IC: 'How you like to die?'

3rd Guy: 'Ice pick'

So the Indians hand him an ice pick to which he takes to stabbing himself all over the body with it:

'You want a canoe? LOOK!, Look what I am doing with your canoe!'

Mike was attending his 4x4 truck club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4x4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike, sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"

"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

"So here I am!"

The Importance of Walking

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Throwing acid is wrong in some peoples eyes

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes
to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger
fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
And you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing."

Seriously guys, I live for one-liners.

Did you hear about that man who fell into the upholstery machine?

I heard he's recovered.


Did you hear about that boarding house which exploded?

Rumours were flying!


Did you hear about that optician who fell into the lens shaping machine?

He made quite a spectacle of himself.


Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?

They've been making headlines.


Did you hear about that woman who lost her left arm and leg in a car wreck?

She's all right now.


Did you hear about the prison bus that crashed into a cement truck?

The passengers all became hardened criminals.


Did you hear about that flasher who was considering retirement?

I guess he decided to stick it out for one more year.

I've always said that before you criticise a man you should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way, when you do criticise him you're a mile away and he can't follow you because he has bare feet.

Designated D...

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the a*****e - and they are interchangeable'

AN ODE TO SPAM(tm)



Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.