would this count?

<a href='http://www.plime.com/redir.p?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MugQDD2FcKQ' class='plime' target='_blank' rel='nofollow'><b>flash video</b></a>

Jeff Dunham is funny. Buuuut.... this is probably the best place to post him.

These 3 midgets are walking down the street. One of them looks up and sees that they are walking by the Guiness Book of World Records building. Excitedly, he tells the others to wait for him while he goes in. The other two midgets look at him with frowns and ask why.

"Well, look at my arms. They are so short, my hands practically grow out of my shoulders. There can't be ANYONE in the world with smaller arms." The midget bounds up the steps and into the building.

20 minutes later, he emerges whooping and hollering. He thrusts a certificate in front of them and exclaims "NEW RECORD! Shortest arms in the WORLD!"

The second midget says "Well, I might as well go in next, look how short my legs are. My feet practically grow out of my ass." The midget bounds up the steps and into the building.

20 minutes later, he bursts out the doors waving his own certificate, screaming "NEW RECORD! Shortest legs in the WORLD!"

The third midget then says "Well, I guess it's my turn"

The other two look him up and down, but don't see anything that could possibly qualify him. "What are YOU going in for?" They ask.

"Well," says the third midget, growing excited, "I hate to admit it, but I HAVE to have the smallest penis in the world. Hell, it's not much more than a little lump with a hole in the end. It's GOTTA be a record." With that, he bounds up the steps and into the doors.

20 minutes goes by, then 40. Finally, an hour later he walks out the doors, empty handed and clearly disappointed.

"Well... what happened?" ask the first two midgets, to which the third midget replies:

"Who the hell is Donteatpoop?!?"

^wakka-wakka

Point: leehblanc

An 80 year old man is set to marry 22 year old woman. The plumbing not working so reliably anymore, he visits his doctor for some advice.

"Well," says the doctor, "Let me give you a prescription for Viagra"

"That won't do" says the old man "I would never remember to take them, and there's no spontaneity"

The doctor nods in agreement. "Well, there is always a pump"

The old man shakes his head "Pumping it up will kind of ruin the mood. Doctor, I am very well off... surely there is SOMETHING that can make it work like it used to. Money is no object."

"Well," says the doctor, "there IS an experimental surgery they are performing over in India, where the trunk of a baby elephant is grafted onto the shaft of the penis. From what I hear, it's even better than the real thing."

The old man jumps at the chance. Early the next morning, he is on a flight to New Delhi and has the surgery the next day. Sure enough, the trunk can do things that his penis NEVER could, and his young bride to be is delighted.

A couple of weeks later, the couple is invited to the young ladys parents' house for dinner. All is going well until midway through the meal, the trunk unzips the old mans fly, reaches up on the table, grabs a potato, and retreats back into his trousers. The girls parents are speechless, and decide to act as if nothing happened. Five minutes later, the trunk emerges again, grabs another potato, and once again retreats back into the old mans trousers. Finally, the girls mother can't take it anymore.

"I'm sorry," she says, "but could I possibly see that again?"

"Honey, I would," says the old man, "But I don't think there's room up my a$$ for another potato!"

Hahahahaha. I pee'd a little.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I have the WORST, most offensive joke ever, hands down. There is no use even arguing over it. I can't/won't post it here, but if you are REALLY interested, not easily offended, and promise not to hold it against me, I will tell it to you.

Does it fit in the dead baby jokes thread?
And is it worse than this one?

...no. No way I could possibly tell it here. It's too sick.

Really. No way. PM me.

Does it end with "The Aristocrats!"?

No, I know that one, but this one is much more offensive.

Now that is something that *I* must hear. PM me please.

i've heard this one before, accept it was a polish joke

A young man asked an old rich man how he made
his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the
Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end
of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in
two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them
and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued
this system for a month, by the end of which I'd
accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.

His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

He answers, "$35."

She: "How much for the black one?"

He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

She: "I think I'll take the black one.

I've never had a black one
before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the
black dildo?"

He: "$35."

She: "How much for the white one?"

He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.

I've never had a white
one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much
are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."

She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've
never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was
gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold
one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You
must be new here, let me explain.

It's a rule here that if you get
an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted.

Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it
is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the
chance to see all our facilities.

"The man replies, "Listen lady,
I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times
a day!"

<paddypower> i saw these condoms
<paddypower> the inside is lined with some chemical that numbs your d**k
<paddypower> so you can last longer
<Mongrel> or wear it inside out, and you don't even have to wake her up :D

How do you surprise Hellen Keller?

Move the furniture.

PM me, I must know.

Yeah I suppose someone better PM me too then.