Why do democrats only have sex with the woman on top?

Because the are so good at f**king up!

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13.
Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15.
Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

This one's for Suckersklub & Apex


A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is
in aisle 3."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished.

"Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when
we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk.

"What do you call her at home?"

"Lard ass."

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The man's friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the first golfer.
"Somersaults!" says the friend. "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her'. 'After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'' Now vat the hell vould YOU say?

A tough, old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.

He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10
great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be...

A department store was opened to sell Husbands. The store had 6 floors.

Now the rule was you could purchase any husband from any floor, but once you went up to another level you could not go back down, but to exit the store.

A lady entered and the sign on the first floor said 'men with a job', she went up to the next level which read 'men with a job and likes kids'.

Impressed she then went up another level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids and has a romantic streak', she liked the sound of that, but proceeded to the next level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic and good looking'.

She was really impressed now but went on to the fifth floor where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic, absolutely gorgeous, and enjoys helping around the home'.

Now this the lady was very impressed with that, but still she went on up to the sixth floor, and there on the sixth floor was a solitary sign which read...

You are the 3,450,701 woman to visit this floor, this demonstates how women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband store. Have a nice day.


Directly across the road from the Husbands store was another department store that sold Wives. And, similar to the Husbands store, this store had 6 floors where you could purchase a Wife on any level, but if you went up a floor you couldn't go back down and had to exit.

So, a bloke walks into the store and on the first floor reads the following sign: "Women who like sex".

Impressed the guy goes up to the second floor where he meets a similar sign, but this one reads: "Women who like sex and are rich."

No man has ever gone to the third floor.

I need to use a visual for this or else it won't work right. This was told to me some years ago by a friend in high school.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'



Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'



And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.':dogrun:


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.



And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.



And God was pleased

And Dog was happy.




And Cat didn't give a s**t one way or the other.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

"Where have you been?" asks his wife.

"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

"Do you have golden chairs?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden glasses?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden beer?"

"Yes."

"Do you have a golden urinal?"

"Hold on." On the other end she hears "Hey Frank, I think we have found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?

The girl in the church has a soul full of hope.

(think about it)



-----



A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies,"It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

I'm tryinng not to post a bunch of jokes in a row, but I felt that this one diserved it's own post.


Castration

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

A man goes to see a psychiatrist. Wanting to get to know his new patient the doctor administers the the Rorschach inkblot test. The doctor shows the man the first ink blot and asks, "What do you see?"
The man answers, "A man and a woman having sex."
Doctor: "Ok, how about this one?"
Man: "Two women kissing."
Doctor: "Alright, this one?"
Man: "An orgy."
Doctor: "And finally, this one?"
Man: "A woman masturbating."
The doctor tells the man, "Obviously, you are overstimulated sexually." To which the man replies, "Look who's talking, your the one with all the porno in your office!"

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says “I would like to buy that T.V. please”.

The store clerk replies “Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes”.

So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black.

The next day, she went back to the same store and said “I would like to buy that T.V. please”.
The store clerk, once again, replies “Sorry, we dont do business with blondes”.
The blonde replied “How did you know I was blonde?”
The clerk says “Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.”

I really hope this hasn't been posted... It is quite possibly my favorite joke ever:



Christopher Robin is walking though the 100 Acre Wood, when he comes upon Piglet. Piglet is leaning against a tree. He has no arms and is missing his left eye.
"Oh my god, Piglet, what happened!?" cries Christopher.
To which Piglet replies:
"I bet Pooh my eye he couldn't rip my arms off."

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the Squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."



The two nuns were silent for a moment.



Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the @#%$ putt, didn't you?"

In the garden there was a mole hole. One morning, the delicious scent of breakfast woke up the mole family.

The dad mole sticks his nose out of the mole hole and:

SNNNIIIFFFFFF: "I smell bacon..."

The mom mole goes to the the entrance and also sticks her nose out of the mole hole and:

SNNNIIIFFFFFF: "I smell eggs..."

Looking at the all the commotion, the baby mole makes his way to the entrance of the mole hole and:

SNNNIIIFFFFFF: "Aww... All I smell is molasses..."

What's red and slides up your leg?

A homesick abortion

What's white and crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice