Man, did you hear Elton John is getting divorced?

Yeah, he found out his husband was having sex behind his back.

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

An airplane is flying across the ocean with a Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican and a Texan aboard.

All of a sudden, it loses one of two engines. In a panic, the pilot yells back into the cabin "If we don't lighten the load were going to crash and burn! 3 of you are going to have to jump out the door to save everyone else!!"

The four passengers look frantically at one another when all of a sudden, the Frenchman steps over to the door... yells "viva la France" and jumps out.

Still looking at each other, the Englishman walks over and yells "God save the queen" - and out the door he goes...

In a near panic, the two remaining passengers eye each other when suddenly, the Texan takes two steps over...

...yells "remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out the door!

-

I got this in my mailbox today:
A good looking, man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want
to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the
right credentials.
>>>
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
>>>
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
>>>
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood ,
you are going to have to change your name."
>>>
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not
disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
>>>
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go
far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will
HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
>>>
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left
the agent's office.
>>>
FIVE YEARS LATER.....
>>>
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter
and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him
$50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
>>>
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with
my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I
thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation.
>>>
Thank you for your advice..
>>>
Sincerely,
d**k van Dyke

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the new driver got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married".



"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Two homeless guys are sitting around hungry and thirsty and each with only 50 cents.

"What are we going to do?" asks one.

"I have an idea," says the other. "Give me your fifty cents."

The first bum gives over his change and his friend disappears for a minute to return with a hotdog.

"So we're going to split the hot dog?" Asked bum one. "We'll still be thirsty."

"No, it's better than that," says bum two. "We're going to hit up a few bars. We'll get our drinks, chug them down, and then I'll stickn this hotdog out through my zipper. When I stick the hotdog out, you start sucking it and they'll kick us out."

"Okay, let's try it," agrees bum one.

So they go to the first bar, start drinking, and before the bar tender asks for money, out comes the hotdog. Needless to say they get kicked to the curb.

Noting the success of this venture, the bums hit up five more bars, following the same routine.

As they rise to their feet outside the sixth bar bum two looks over at his friend with a smile. "This is working out great, isn't it?"

"I guess," says bum one, "But I'm still hungry."

"Not me," says bum two, "I ate that hotdog three bars back.

This is ment to be a verbal joke but ill type it so you can tell all your friends (they will think so fondly of you when your done)

here goes:

a little boy was learning how to walk and he tried walking down a hill and he tripped fell down the hill, hit his head on the tree and went unconcience

A Monk comes over and heals him and when he regains conciencness he sees the monk and hears strange music. the boy asks the monk where is that music coming from. The monk replies i cannot tell you for you are not a monk.

So a couple years later the boy is learning how to ride a bycicle. he rides down the hill slips falls hits his head on the same tree the same monk heals him and he hears the same music.

he asks, Monk where is that music coming from
the monk replies, i cannot tell you for you are not a monk.

So now the boy is 16 and he is learning how to drive. He hits a patch of water hydroplanes into the same tree and the same monk heals him and he hears the same music

The teenager asks ,Monk where does the music come from. the monk replies i cannot tell you for you are not a monk.

So the boy (now a man) is 18 and decides to go to the monistary to become a monk. after years and years of training and preparation he finally becomes a monk. so he asks the other monk, Now that im a monk can i learn the source of the strange music and the other monk says, sure all you have to do is go across the sea across the stones 1,2 and 3 and up to the top of the tower.

So he goes across the sea across the deasert and he gets to the tower and he goes up the stairs around the corner, up the stairs around the corner, up the stairs around the corner, up the stairs around the corner, up the stairs around the corner, up the stairs around the corner, up the stairs around the corner,

STOPS!

Sees a door, but its locked so he goes back down the stairs round the corner, down the stairs round the corner, down the stairs round the corner, down the stairs round the corner, down the stairs round the corner, down the stairs round the corner across the stones 3,2 and 1 across the desert across the sea and back to the monistary.

he goes to the monk and says, MONK THE DOOR IS LOCKED. the monk replies ahh i for got to give you the keys.

so he goes back across the sea, across the desert across the stones 1,2 and 3 and he goes up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner. STOPS! drops his keys goes back down the stairs round the corner. picks up his keys and goes back up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner untill he gets to the door and he trys a key and it dosnt fit

so he goes

down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner across the stones 3,2,1 across the desert, across the sea and back to the monistary

he says MONK the key didnt fit.
the monk replies there was more than on key on the key ring.

so he goes across the sea across the desert across the stones 1,2,3 and to the tower

he goes up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner

STOPS! takes a breather continues
up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner to the door.

he trys both keys and one of them fits he opens the door and finds...

another door.

so he goes down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner down the stairs round the corner across stones 3,2,1 across the desert, across the sea back to the monistary.

he says MONK there was another door

the monk says yes but that door was unlocked.

so once again he goes across the sea, across the desert, across the stones 1,2,3 to the tower and he goes up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner up the stairs round the corner to the first door he unlocks it

goes to the second door and opens it and finally finds the source of the music.


Wanna know what it is?


I cannot tell you for you are not a monk!

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

Hell Explained By A Chemistry Student

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

----------------------------------------------
One more: Quotes from famous people
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b***h." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,

“Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the pic ture i n focus. Frustrated,
she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma’s minister.

The minister said, “Hello, son, is your Grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her
boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

If "Sex" were a sub of "Entertainment", this thread would belong there...

How do you catch a polar bear?

Dig a big hole, and fill it with ashes. Place peas all around the circle.

When the polar bear goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,

"Can I have a beer..................please?"

The bartender says "what's with the pause?"

The bear looks down and says " I don't know?! I've had these all my life!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
When the bartender asks "what's with the steering wheel?"
the pirate replies "Yarrrr I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts"

A man dies and goes to heaven, he's stood outside the pearly gates waiting when another man appears.

"Hi" Says the first man "How did you die"

"Well" Replied the new arrival "I froze to death, Terrible it was, i could feel the cold creeping up my whole body until everything shut down and i ended up here, I'm glad its over, How about you?"

"Heart attack, I came home from work early and i could smell cigar smoke in my house, my wife doesn't smoke so i knew she must have had someone else in the house" He Says, "I was determined to find him so i turned the house upside down looking for him and when i couldnt find him, it all became too much and i collapsed and died"

The second man reflected on this for a while before saying
"You stupid sod, If you'd have checked the freezer we'd both still be alive"

Hahaha. Different version of the same joke:

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut out a hole in the ice and call for the polar bear, then hide. When the bear comes to inspect the hole, run up behind him and kick him in the ice hole.

Little Jonny answers the door in his dads silk bathrobe, smoking a cigar with a glass of brandy in his hand.

"Are your parents home?" Asked the man.

Little Jonny ashes the cigar on the floor, sips the brandy and replies "What the f!$@ do you think?!?"