A blonde walks into a dry cleaner and asks the little old asian man behind the counter to please take care of the stain on her shirt.

As she's leaving - the old man says;

"Come again!"

In which the blonde replies,

"Nope, just toothpaste this time."

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop, right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny replied to the snake, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.


'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?' 'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. 'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, handsoap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

A mother has a nosey daughter who is 10 and is always asking people questions so she decides she is going to break her of the habit. So one day on the way to drop her over at a friends the little girl asks...

"Mommy how old are you? The mother replies None of your business.

The little girl asks...

"Mommy how much do you weigh? The mother again replies none of your business.

The little girl asks....
Mommy why did you and daddy get a divorce....The mother is very upset and tells her to stop being nosey.


So the girl gets to her friends and tells her of the conversation she had with her mommy and her friend tells her to look on her mommys drivers lisence she says it tells everything about a person.

So the little girl goes home and does just that. So she goes in to her Mommy and says....
I know how old you are 45.... I know you weigh 255 lbs... and I know why you and daddy got divorced....

The mother says ok why?

The little girl says : You got an F in sex.

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache. Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.

'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.

'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

'

---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.

'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.



-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.



The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.



The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.

'

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.



2. There are no dental records.



----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.



----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.

'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.

'
----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.



'What did he say,' asked the nurse.



'OOPS'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.



'What do you think?' I asked.

'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.

'

He's still in intensive care.

For some reason the guy reminds me of doggy.

A pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, 'What's with that guy over there by the wall?'

The blonde clerk responds, 'Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of liquid laxative.'

The pharmacist yells, 'You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!'

The blonde clerk responds, 'Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough.'

This is for Aggie:

What's high in the middle, and low on both ends?

O-high-O, stupid! Ayuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling.

'WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?' he yelled.

No one answered.

'ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!'

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 'Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?'

The cowboy turned back and said, 'I had to walk home.'



------


Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.'

Billy is last to speak. He says, 'My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.'

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.



Billy replies, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.'

I think that's supposed to be: What's high in the middle and ROUND on both ends?

I wrote it how I heard it from Elmer Fudd. :D

That's where I heard it too, LOL. Just to be sure I looked it up.
From the IMDB:

What's Up Doc? (1950)
Bugs Bunny: I give up, Mr. Fudd. Why is the state of Ohio different?
Elmer Fudd: Because it's high in the middle and wound on both ends. O-HI-O!

Sure, in a direct transcript the joke is told correctly. But how do we know Elmer wasn't on some drunken whiskey bender at the time he told it for Jerry to hear? It can be hard enough to make out words from a drunk's slurred speech, but add an speech impediment to it and you're in a completely different boat.

From your description, it sounds like he was on this boat

I think it more likely that it was Jerry on the drunken whiskey bender when the joke was told. LOL

Wait, Jerry was having Elmer whisper sweet nothings in his ear on a drunken boat? No wonder it crashed...

Don't judge me! >.>

<.<

Are you a Democrat or Republican or Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two children.
Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 Cal.
Handgun, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he
reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife
out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just
to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ...
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ...
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are NOT taking that thing to the taxidermist'






Of course if the premise was you see Rush Limbaugh, Michelle Malkin, and Ann Coulter getting out of a car at a local restaurant, then the democrat's answer would be BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

After being married for 44 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, “Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV: but I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old gal.”

He continued, “Now I have a million dollar home, a $65,000 car, nice big bed and plasma TV; but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you aren’t holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.