HUH???

I'm guessing he duped one of your jokes.





And now for an unrelated joke:


Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bulls**t. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Johnny asks his dad "What are you and mom doing"? Dad replies "We are making a baby". Little Johnny accepts the answer and goes on his way. Dad goes to work and comes home to find Little Johnny on the porch crying. Dad asks "Why are you crying"? Little Johnny replies "You know that baby you and mom were making this morning". Dad replies"yes". Little Johnny says "Well the mailman ate it"!

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful
lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test

The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.''

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ....

And you know how you just get sooooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . And that's when the fight started . .

What happens when a Scotsman opens their wallet to pay for something?

No one knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Also if you dropped a coin near a Scotsman it would hit him on the back of the head as he bent to pick it up.

Huh?
If anyone else said it I would have thought this was just irony. (except for doggylives maybe) In your case however this might be the sincere truth. Man, you are scary.

I think maybe something DEP said maybe got lost in translation o_0

Hot and cold sex


After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’

‘In fact, I do,’ said the old man. ‘After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.’

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:

‘Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?’

‘Oh that crazy old fart,’ she replied. ‘That’s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.’

Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down
the street and pass a

flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying
her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: 'Oh crap, my boy friend is
buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'You don't
like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?'

The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he
always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days
on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blonde says: ........'Don't you have a vase?'

Roses and Hanging Baskets

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
' Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show! '
and out she goes. The next day the teen ager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
' Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.


Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

Sorry, this is a dupe from a couple of pages back

I prouder than you think!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"

"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."