(I hope this isn't considered the over the top with crude crap)

A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her.
The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"

Woman jokes!
(No, I'm not sexist at all. I like girls more than guys, but these are just funny if you don't take them seriously.)

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"


---------

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

---------


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

- It's called wedding cake.

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards.

"Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?"

"Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead.

It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away. Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired.

"Guilty your honour", the conductor replied.

"Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrification?", the judge added.

The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was.

"Yes your honour", the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?"

After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards.

"Back to work", his manager said.

More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?"

"Yes dear", she replied.

At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies.

"For the third time, I'm annoucing my retirement!", he yelled.

The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?", the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?"

The conductor shrugged. "Ok, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said.

"Guilty on all counts", the conductor replied.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last reuqest. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scoffed the bananas, the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked.

It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him as his left the building.

"Back to work."

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take.

"Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as they lay in bed.

"Yes dear", she replied.

It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start.

"f**k yas all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.

"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared.

The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?"

"Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "The b*****ds deserved it!"

The conductor was hauled away. A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.

"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.

He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid.

Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before", he said. "I'm just a bad conductor."

OK the first two posts were lame, but that last one made up for it.

Oops! Sorry.

Oh dear god, I surely should've seen that coming...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

I'm mad at myself for laughing at that conductor joke.

- Baron, what signifies this strange lacuna?
- A childhood mishap, dear Marquise.
- I think you might have told me sooner,
Such absence makes a lady freeze!
Be off, I pray, and have my footman called.
- A common footman, madam, I'm appalled!
- His parents, Baron, may lack particles,
But he at lease has two good testicles!

-=- Robert Merle: Behind the Glass,
SBN 671-21317-2, Simon and Schuster, New York, 1972,
page 125 -=-

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself
in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?'

Oh, I get it. bananas.

Zach was about to marry Molly and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Zach took his father's advice and as soon as he got Molly alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Molly and told her to put them on. Molly said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Zach.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Molly paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Zach. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Zach. 'Exactly,' replied Molly. 'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Dammit, you did it again!

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and goes running back to the patrol officer and demands to know why he is
being harassed. So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc. in rather explicit terms.

The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass".
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation, he puts
"AH" on the bottom. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.


The guy signs the ticket angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the *AH* and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an a*****e!"

Three months later they're in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license so he had hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"?

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an *AH*, underlined".

Attorney: "What does the *AH* stand for, officer"?

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, sir."

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir."

Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ass Hole?"

Officer: "Well, Sir ..... you know your client better than I do."

A Marine and a Sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.' 'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal
was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.' The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!' The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.' The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,

'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in awhile. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator '

Old men can still think fast.

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH