I couldn't find where I had heard this, and I just now saw that picture. Hoped I could come back and edit before someone else connected the too. Oh well, this uses up my bonehead credits for today.

(Still a good joke.)

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner have to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

An Irish schoolteacher asks her class to use the word "contagious. " Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

President Bush, First Lady Laura and d**k Cheney were flying on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy"

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. s**t, I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

Lucky Drink

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the
house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,
eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and
delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and
so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

Ok so theres a fly hoering 12 inches above a lake... and under the lake looking at the fly is a fish.. and the fish is thinking "if the fly comes down six inches i can jump up and grab it" but next to the lake is a bear and he's thinking "if that fly goes down six inches the fish will jump and grab it and i can grab the fish. On the other side of the lake is a hunter.. he's thinking "if taht fly comes down six inches then the fish will eat the fly and the bear will jump foward and eat the fish and i'll have a clean shot at the bear... but standing behind the hunter is a rat.. and he's thinking "if taht fly comes down 6 inches then the fish will grab the fly and the bear will get the fish and the hunter will shoot the bear and while he's distracted i'll jump up and grab that sandwich out of his pocket.. well.. standing behind the rat is a cat waiting to pounce.. and she's thinking.. alright if that fly drops six inches then the fish will jump up and the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and the rat will grab the sandwich and i'll jump on the rat.. so all of a sudden the fly drops six inches..the fish jumps up and grabs the fly.. the bear jumps out and snags the fish.. the hunter fires and hits the bear and just as the rat was jumping foward the cat jumped and missed the rat and fell into the lake.. whats the moral of the story??




Everytime the fly drops six inches the p#$$y gets wet.. :-)

what do you call a mexican girl with no legs??

cunswaylo

how do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

-nail his other hand to the floor

whats blue and knocks on glass?
-a baby in a fish tank

how do you stop a baby from falling down a manhole?
- stick a pole through its head

whats more disturbing than a pile of dead babies?
- the one at the bottom trying to eat his way out

alright i'm off to church now.. i'm sorry.. i'm done.. couldn't stop the urge to keep typing

Funny jokes, wrong thread

my b.. I just got done reading those and came here and saw ur link.. yea i'm slow..

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you two liberal a*****es report that I was the aggressor?"

Granpa is patiently waiting in bed while Grandma is in the dressing room primping herself for an expected evening of fun in bed with Grandpa.
As Grandma comes out, of the dressing room, she spreads open her robe and proclaims, "SuperPussy!"
Grandpa looks, mulls it over and states, "I think I will have the soup."

So then the Jew says to the blender, "No, YOU'RE meshugena!"

A priest. a talking penguin from a burlesque show, Bill Clinton and a transvestite are on a plane and it goes down in the ocean. They all survive and find themselves beached on an uncharted island.

They build some huts and life goes on for about 3 weeks, when one day some native cannibals take them all hostage.

Oops...the thread title says not to go over the top with crude crap...oh well.

alright so theres an american, a spanish guy, and an irish guy sitting at the bar having a beer. 3 flies come flying in through the door and one lands in each ones beer. The american pushes the beer back and requests the bartender to pour him another one. The spanish guy takes the fly out and drink sthe beer anyways.. all of a sudden they hear strange noises coming from the irish guy so they look over and he's pinching the little fly between his fingers over the beer and saying spit that back out u lil thievin bugger..

Guy walks into a bar looking pretty haggard, and takes a seat. Bartender offers him a shot tequila. Guy refuses, saying thats what I was drinking last night. I went home and it was sick. I blew chunks everywhere. Blew chunks in the bathroom, in the living room, and in the bedroom. Bartender says, thats nothing to be ashamed of, everyone gets sick. Guy responds, Chunks is my dog.

Ok...

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"


Hello? *taps his microphone* Is this thing on?

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown. He notices a small bronze statue of a rat. He asks the owner "How much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it". The guy says, "Forget the story", and buys the rat. As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him. He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him. He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown. The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so you're back for the story?" The guys says, "No, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"