Joke wars! - NSFW - Please do not go over the top with crude crap. : RSS 2.0http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/low.mtmen-usplime.com2008, plime.com.Plime/1http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rssJoke wars! - NSFW - Please do not go over the top with crude crap. : RSS 2.0http://www.plime.com/images/logo.gifhttp://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/low.mtm<![CDATA[donteatpoop @ 12/1/2008 9:12:59 PM]]>
Woman to man: Really? I find that hard to swallow.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q51http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q51humor <![CDATA[IcePigs @ 12/1/2008 8:28:38 PM]]>::: if you don't like racial, anti-Obama jokes, please move on :::


Obama has determined what his first tax hike will be.

He is planning on putting a 40% tax on aspirin,
because they are white and they work.
]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q50http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q50humor <![CDATA[Moe @ 12/1/2008 6:31:37 PM]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q49http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q49humor <![CDATA[SkandarGraun @ 12/1/2008 9:40:10 AM]]>« Ross : I took two pictures of the newspaper article with my phone but neither is readable so you have to imagine. It was a notice of name change

"I, Dinky Vaghani hereby change my name to Ria Vaghani."

I just thought it was hilarious.Lets not mess with Indian people with weird names like Hardik. Lets mess with entire cities.
These are names of actual locations:

Bastard (Norway)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
Fukum (Yemen)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuk (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q48http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q48humor <![CDATA[donteatpoop @ 12/1/2008 4:07:33 AM]]>
Excited, the man continues to the bar and tell the bartender, "See those babes at the end of the bar? They just rated me 9 out of 10."

"I hate to ruin this for you," the bartender says; "But earlier they were speaking German."]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q47http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q47humor <![CDATA[Bornbad @ 11/29/2008 11:56:19 PM]]>« STEelsHOOter : So your mom kick a bunch of stripper's asses at an opium den, and then the fight spilled out into the back alley just as your dad was checking out of the by-the-hour motel when he looked down the alley and fell in love with the heaving, blood-soaked bosom of your mom?

Explains a lot.Quite close to reality, my friend.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q46http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q46humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/29/2008 7:38:07 PM]]>« Bornbad : "Every stripper scene in a movie;
Every time a woman kicked ass and took names
on TV, posing afterward covered in blood with
bosom heaving; Every cheap and tawdry sex scene
in some back alley, motel room or prostitute
laden opium house... My father would say,
"And that boys, was how I met your mother."So your mom kick a bunch of stripper's asses at an opium den, and then the fight spilled out into the back alley just as your dad was checking out of the by-the-hour motel when he looked down the alley and fell in love with the heaving, blood-soaked bosom of your mom?

Explains a lot.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q45http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q45humor <![CDATA[Bornbad @ 11/28/2008 6:49:13 PM]]>Every time a woman kicked ass and took names
on TV, posing afterward covered in blood with
bosom heaving; Every cheap and tawdry sex scene
in some back alley, motel room or prostitute
laden opium house... My father would say,
"And that boys, was how I met your mother."]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q44http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q44humor <![CDATA[davbob @ 11/25/2008 4:02:17 PM]]>
First man in the bar steps up and hands the octopus a guitar which the octopus plays beautifully.

Next man steps up and hands the octopus a harp which (having eight arms) the octopus plays like a pro.

Next guy, a Scotsman, steps up and hands the octopus a set of bagpipes. The octopus pics them up and turns them over slowly in his arms and looks at them. The octopus owner leans over and hisses in the octopus ear "For Gods sake, you're making me look stupid, play the damned thing!". To which the octopus replies "Play It?? If I could figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'd f**k it!"]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q43http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q43humor <![CDATA[meggysue @ 11/25/2008 11:02:13 AM]]>
After a bit, he screwed up the courage to ask the pirate what happened to his leg. "Arr! Me mateys and me were fightin' some other buccaneers off the coast of Madagascar, and one of 'em swung his sword and took me leg clean off."

What about your hand, there? "Arr, I lost that fishin' a mate out of the drink after he fell overboard. A shark jumped out of the water and bit it clean off, so now I have me hook."

And what happened to your eye? "I was peerin' through my sextant one day when a gull flew over and shat right in me eye." The pirate shook his head as the man said, "But wait... bird poo shouldn't make you go blind?"

"Aye, but it was the first day I had me hook."]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q42http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q42humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 3:05:22 AM]]>
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the not raising hogs business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford a car.

Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

Also, I am considering the not milking cows business, so send me any information on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,
Joe-Bob]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q41http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q41humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 2:52:09 AM]]>
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doctor, “I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I'm glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “you have a REALLY nice house.”]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q40http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q40humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 2:48:38 AM]]>
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, “I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World, isn’t it!”]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q39http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q39humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 2:45:27 AM]]>
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
  1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
  2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
  3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
  4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
  5. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.


You're going to die, she replied.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q38http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q38humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 2:41:39 AM]]> ---------------------------------

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

  1. The woman goes to the store.
  2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
  3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
  4. The man places the meat on the grill.
  5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
  6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
  7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
  8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
  9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q37http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q37humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 2:38:26 AM]]>“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That's nothing,” says Sean, “here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q36http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q36humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 2:34:07 AM]]>
Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,
Gloria]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q35http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q35humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 2:31:50 AM]]>“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” he responded.
“Oh? Killing any?”
“Yep, 3 males and 2 Females.”
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”
“Easy, 3 were on my beer can, 2 were on the phone.”]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q34http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q34humor <![CDATA[STEelsHOOter @ 11/25/2008 2:29:08 AM]]>
The first one was to feed the fish. When he got there he found a tree branch, two dead chimpanzees and many dead fish. It seems a chimpanzees had climbed out on a branch and tried to catch a fish. The branch must have broken, the chimpanzees fell in and drowned, and the resulting pollution killed the fish.

Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to start his first day linked to mass animal death, he scooped out entire mess and threw it all over the neighboring wall (which happened to be into the lion habitat.

Later that day, a new lion was introduced to the lion habitat. . When he met the other lions he asked, "What do you eat here?"

The other lion answered: “Well we usually eat steak but breakfast today was fish and chimps!"]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q33http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q33humor <![CDATA[tigertony @ 11/22/2008 11:19:15 AM]]>sign on top of their car which said:
'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled. 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two gals driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

'Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50'.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q32http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q32humor <![CDATA[meggysue @ 11/21/2008 4:36:00 PM]]>
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looked down and said, 'Well, looky here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his @$$ and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump
May your potatoes and gravy never have a lump
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q31http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q31humor <![CDATA[meggysue @ 11/17/2008 1:06:31 PM]]>
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper stated, "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Redneck Gazette reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless."]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q30http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q30humor <![CDATA[tigertony @ 11/15/2008 9:51:59 PM]]>
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q29http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q29humor <![CDATA[icepigs @ 11/12/2008 2:56:03 PM]]>« Bornbad : The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery
firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.Ha! I'm going to call up Pizza Hut and when they ask what I want, I'm going to tell them I want a Diana Ross....and then we'll see what I get.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q28http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q28humor <![CDATA[keroberos32 @ 11/12/2008 2:44:37 PM]]>
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days

before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day,

but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough.


"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.


"We can't stand the sight of each other any

longer," the father says. "We're sick of each

other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call

your sister in Denver and tell her."


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the

phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced,"

she shouts, "I'll take care of this."


She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her

father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a

single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother

back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,

don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.


The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay." he says, "They're coming for

Thanksgiving and paying their own way."]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q27http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q27humor <![CDATA[Bornbad @ 11/5/2008 10:16:42 PM]]>
They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q26http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q26humor <![CDATA[Bornbad @ 11/4/2008 8:24:54 PM]]>firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q25http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q25humor <![CDATA[gratheo @ 10/30/2008 11:35:28 PM]]>
We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So, next Sunday at 4:00 PM , all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti terrorist sentiment.

The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q24http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q24humor <![CDATA[gratheo @ 10/30/2008 11:35:20 PM]]>The fire began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.
Both of his books have been lost.
A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished colouring the second one.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q23http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q23humor <![CDATA[tundramonkey @ 10/30/2008 7:41:25 PM]]>
Pumpkin!]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q22http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q22humor <![CDATA[2manyusernames @ 10/30/2008 6:28:50 PM]]>hole I'm on'. She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.'

He thanked her & continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to
bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'

Lady: 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they
were drinking & talking he asked her what she did for a living. 'I'm in sales.'

He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?'

Lady: 'It's too embarrassing to tell.' But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

Lady: 'I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins).' He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

Lady: 'You promised you wouldn't laugh.'

He replied, 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper........

I'm still one hole behind you.']]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q21http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q21humor <![CDATA[kakana @ 10/29/2008 6:45:32 PM]]>Health Questions and Answers

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio! is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember, life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. It is better to skid in sideways, chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other. At the end your body should be thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO.. What a ride!]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q20http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q20humor <![CDATA[keroberos32 @ 10/29/2008 6:26:15 PM]]>New Perspectives

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he was a maverick chicken, and he wanted to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken had to cross the road because he was not able to find a bridge. Alaskans do not build bridges to nowhere. If he wanted a bridge, he'd have to build it himself.

JOE BIDEN: The chicken crossed the road because he was heading back to Scranton.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

d**k CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now, to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What do you mean by the word 'chicken'?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem
on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for
the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q19http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q19humor <![CDATA[2manyusernames @ 10/27/2008 8:48:27 PM]]>– Chris Rock]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q18http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q18humor <![CDATA[davbob @ 10/23/2008 2:28:46 PM]]>« keroberos32 Mexican stuffI have never laughed so hard before than when I tried using my scottish accent to put on a Mexican accent to try to explain this to Claire who speaks with a Scouse accent.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q17http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q17humor <![CDATA[keroberos32 @ 10/23/2008 2:13:02 PM]]>
Heater - My little sister started to choke, pero my mom told me to heater on the back.

Juicy - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!

Sodas - My vieja cooks good and sodas her sister.

Cheese - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.

Chile - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.

Juarez - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your problem? Bish!

Chicken - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.

Harrassment - Orale vato my old lady caught me in bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!

Water - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.

Brief - My homie farted really bad, and I could not brief.

Mushroom - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.

Frito - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.

Wafer - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.

July - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!

Liver/Cheese - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone cheese mines'

Chinos - My mom thinks chinos everything! Chinos nothing!

Bishop - We went to the movies and Rosa fell down & I had to pick the bishop!

Horchata - You can keep talking your crap horchata hell up!

Herpes - Me and my girlfriends ordered some pizza, I got my piece and she got herpes.

Pikachu - My dad took me and my brothers to payless and told us to pikachu.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q16http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q16humor <![CDATA[copoflaw @ 10/21/2008 10:27:32 PM]]>
-I'll BEE seeing you later!

Why do they call them the dark ages?

-'cause there were so many Knights!

What's the most Asian part of a house?

-The cei-LING]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q15http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q15humor <![CDATA[ozero @ 10/21/2008 9:34:32 AM]]>A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best Friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q14http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q14humor <![CDATA[tigertony @ 10/15/2008 11:02:52 AM]]>
Palin steps onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back. She
hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the Washington Post, NY Times, ABC News, CBS News, NBC News, and CNN carry a story, complete with photos of the event. The banner headline reads: "Palin Can't Swim!"]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q13http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q13humor <![CDATA[hilltophoodlum @ 10/13/2008 9:11:07 AM]]>
Start of Joke
| | | | | | |
VVVVV


George W. Bush]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q12http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q12humor <![CDATA[Jerry520 @ 10/12/2008 1:52:25 AM]]>
-Groucho Marx]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q11http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q11humor <![CDATA[Jerry520 @ 10/12/2008 1:41:46 AM]]>A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

-Groucho Marx]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q10http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q10humor <![CDATA[IcePigs @ 10/9/2008 7:17:03 PM]]>So the Gunny responded, “Aye aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The Gunny went straight to the squad tent and announced, “The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!”

THE MORAL:
A candidate may promise ‘change’ in Washington , but don’t count on things smelling any better...]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q9http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q9humor <![CDATA[smarty1052 @ 10/9/2008 12:19:00 PM]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q8http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q8humor <![CDATA[smarty1052 @ 10/9/2008 12:11:36 PM]]>Susie says, "I was clever..I wasn't wearing any."


One day there were three princes and all of them wanted to mary a princess. So the princess said, "Whoever brings back the most ping pong balls will mary me." The first prince brought back a truck load of ping pong balls. The second prince brought back a train load of ping pong balls. And the third prince came back all bruised and bloody with two large round shaped things in a sack. And the princess said, "That's all you got is two ping pong balls?" Then the prince said, "Two ping pong balls? I thought you said King Kong's balls!"]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q7http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q7humor <![CDATA[punthe @ 10/4/2008 2:16:32 AM]]>Why the hell did the monkey fall oot of the tree?

Because he was f**kin' dead!

What do ya call an alien with 3 balls?

E.T. - The Extra Testicle.

Why do dogs lick themselves?

Because they can!

Andrew Dice Clay]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q6http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q6humor <![CDATA[ozero @ 10/3/2008 8:05:44 AM]]>
Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 325 million people very happy.']]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q5http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q5humor <![CDATA[KerOBeroS32 @ 10/2/2008 10:28:39 AM]]>
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s**t on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q4http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q4humor <![CDATA[BernardBlack @ 9/29/2008 2:24:07 PM]]>God - a one act play by Woody Allen]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q3http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q3humor <![CDATA[ozero @ 9/24/2008 10:21:21 AM]]>
I replied, "well, we'll soon be listening to the pitter-patter of tiny feet."

He said, "wow, I didn't realise Sarah was pregnant."

"She's not," I said. "I've given the cheating b***h pubic lice."]]>http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q2http://www.plime.com/humor/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q2humor
Joke wars! - NSFW - Please do not go over the top with crude crap.
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<![CDATA[Milkshake @ 9/22/2006 4:25:10 PM]]>
Well lets have em them.]]>http://www.plime.com/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q1http://www.plime.com/f/298/1/rss2_0.rss#q1humor