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 Don't blame porn for the failure of your marriage, writes psychologist in response to National Review essay
Don't blame porn for the failure of your marriage, writes psychologist in response to National Review essay
I am very sorry that Anonymous’s marriage did not work out. However, while blaming porn for every social ill and for her marriage dissolving may make her feel better, crusading for laws to make other men pay for this failure will not lead to better marriages. It will lead to even more men going underground to view porn — and feeling resentful while they do. picked by cecilberman 2 years ago
tags porn marriage studies statistics psychologist
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13
 palmiere...
2 years ago
This would work both ways, right?
It's not as if all men have porn-like proportions, and can make women squeal and bark like prairie dogs for half an hour, now is it...?

And yes, a lot of women watch porn - there's even porn targeting women in particular, so don’t play that card lady... (the lady in the article).
Your husband left because you sucked - and not in the good way you could suck.
quote #2
36
 lynxears
2 years ago
I don't agree with a lot of the depictions of sexuality in porn, but that doesn't mean it is the great corruptor or anything.

Sure, it can be 'addictive'... but that's more a symptom of a bigger problem (social anxiety, depression, waning interest in a significant other) than a cause.

If porn was really the reason for Anonymous' husband to leave...would he have gone to another woman? Unless she's a star of some kind, I doubt there is a strong correlation; he could just go off with his computer.
quote #3
38
 icepigs
2 years ago
It's never my fault. It's always someone else's fault.


Those kids who committed suicide in the 80's did it because Ozzy Osbourne's song told them to.

The shootings at Columbine was because of the violence in video games.

The reason I'm late for work is because of the slow drivers on the freeway.

And porn destroyed her marriage. (The possibility that she's a frigid b***h can't be the problem)
quote #4
26
 cecilber...
2 years ago
Porn has only increased my desire for the woman in my life.
quote #5
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17
 Interest...
2 years ago
Although I don't think porn is the ONLY thing that can destroy a marriage, I do know that it can be detrimental to a healthy relationship. It's very similar to an affair, it's like telling the other person in the marriage "I now longer see you as attractive enough to excite me". Sure the person viewing porn may not really think or believe that, but the other person might. Healthy marriage relationships are very fragile and take a lot of work. If you know that your partner would not approve of you viewing porn, then doing so is disrespectful, and enough to harm a marriage.
I won't get started on the unrealistic expectations porn puts on a person to perform in the bedroom.
quote #6
38
 icepigs
2 years ago
There are many things can be detrimental to a relationship...playing video games, drinking alcohol, gambling...but usually when done in excess.

But sometimes porn is not the cause, but the symptom(and the excuse).

For example, let's say that Larry and Mary have been married for 10 years. Those 10 years have, for the most part, been good.

Now, Mary has been going through some hormonal changes (not necessarily menopause) due to health reasons. She no longer has a libido. When her husband tries to initiate sex, she finds excuses to say "no"...headaches, she's tired, not feeling well, the kids will hear, etc...

So, Larry - who still has sexual urges - gets frustrated. It's been weeks or months since he has last had sex. He doesn't want to have an affair. So, he goes out and buys a Playboy and "takes care of it" on his own.

When his wife finds the Playboy, she gets mad. Why? Is it because he brought porn into the house? Is it because "it's a form of cheating" (like Interesting said), or is it now ANOTHER excuse she can use to deny him sex and pass the blame onto someone else?

I'm sure that porn has been the root cause of some relationships. But so had alcohol. So has money (He doesn't make enough, she spends too much, or whatever). So has a huge list of other things.

I do agree with the statement that Marriage takes a lot of work....but treat the cause, not the symptom.
quote #7
33
 mutil8or
2 years ago
A lasting marriage does take a lot of work, most of the problems facing a couple can be dealt with
using one simple technique....

quote #8
26
 cecilber...
2 years ago
« Interesting : Healthy marriage relationships are very fragile and take a lot of work.
Huh?

Health marriages are strong, not fragile.
quote #9
9
 chilehea...
2 years ago
« Interesting:Although I don't think porn is the ONLY thing that can destroy a marriage, I do know that it can be detrimental to a healthy relationship. ...(A)

Sure the person viewing porn may not really think or believe that, but the other person might. ...(B)

If you know that your partner would not approve of you viewing porn, then doing so is disrespectful, and enough to harm a marriage.
(C)
[A]Porn isn't something that can destroy a marriage at all... it is no different from something in a box marked X. If the two people disagree on something strongly enough, the marriage can fail. Whether X is money management, drinking, loud music, other family members, anything else, or enjoying porn - the disagreement is the problem, not porn or its "affects".

[.B]So if they other person has a problem, we've successfully identified the location of problem. It's all in the other person. Human beings are sexual creatures, and they have curiosity about the things they like and will want to watch those things. The need to control what other people do, feel, or think is the "unnatural" behavior that needs to be corrected.

[C]Who is being disrespectful - the person satisfying their own needs, or the person hell-bent (pun intended) on denying that to them? I can see "don't do that in front of me, I don't care for it" as being valid, but "don't do that ever, even when I'm not around" speaks to some issues that need to be taken up with a mental health professional.
quote #10
17
 theshirt...
2 years ago
« chilehead : [A]Porn isn't something that can destroy a marriage at all... it is no different from something in a box marked X. If the two people disagree on something strongly enough, the marriage can fail. Whether X is money management, drinking, loud music, other family members, anything else, or enjoying porn - the disagreement is the problem, not porn or its "affects".

[.B]So if they other person has a problem, we've successfully identified the location of problem. It's all in the other person. Human beings are sexual creatures, and they have curiosity about the things they like and will want to watch those things. The need to control what other people do, feel, or think is the "unnatural" behavior that needs to be corrected.

[C]Who is being disrespectful - the person satisfying their own needs, or the person hell-bent (pun intended) on denying that to them? I can see "don't do that in front of me, I don't care for it" as being valid, but "don't do that ever, even when I'm not around" speaks to some issues that need to be taken up with a mental health professional.
I agree with several of your points, but they aren't always true, as I'm sure you know. When you enter into a marriage, you (traditionally at least) vow to be devoted to each other. To just say that it's always wrong for someone to force their point of view on you is fallacious, and illogical in a marriage. A woman wants to be desirable, and when her husband is watching porn, then this (generally) shows her that she's not desirable to him. While video games, work, etc. can show this as well, porn really hits on a different level.

This marriage is an exception, I think, as it clearly has a TON of underlying issues. The woman is clearly looking for a scapegoat. Porn did not cause this guy to run to another woman. Porn is not the reason for this marriage's failure. Porn may have contributed to it, yeah, but it failed because the two parties didn't work it out, as Mutil8or brilliantly put it.
quote #11
1
 Margot
2 years ago
There's a lot going on here by way of ad hominem attacks, but not so much by way of research. For the most part Anon's claims are valid and well founded (if perhaps a little overstated), whereas the site cited as proof against her interviewed only 20 twenty somethings.

Instead of just hopping on the anti-anti-porn bandwagon, maybe some research should be done, first. I mean, beyond just reading a 569 word article about someone's opinion on someone else's opinionated research.
quote #12
23
 sidran32
2 years ago
That described in the article certainly can be true, however, pornography can also become problematic. It is addictive, as per its nature, and if left unchecked, it definitely can supersede actual relationships. If you get too deeply into certain fantasy images in pornography (which are not typically realistic), as you become desensitized to images that you previously found appealing, you seek out something more and more extreme. This desensitization will have harmful effects on your ability to enjoy your relationship with your wife, because to be able to "get off", you will find yourself less able to as normal and more relying on the increasingly unrealistic, fantastical images in pornography. And if you do let the addiction run amok, it will become like any other addiction: detracting from your normal life and relationships, and ultimately, hurting others.

All things in moderation and in its proper place, is what needs to be done.
quote #13
18
 mewhiten...
2 years ago
“Not one subject had a pathological sexuality,” he said. “In fact, all of their sexual practices were quite conventional."

What would constitute pathological sexuality? The closest I can find to a definition would be diseased sexuality which is quite vague as well, is sadomasocism considered pathological? What about voyeurism?
quote #14
58
 Bornbad
2 years ago
I blame pron for everything good or bad on this planet. Don't you?
quote #15
13
 lilyang
2 years ago
« Bornbad : I blame pron for everything good or bad on this planet. Don't you?
I would but I'm too busy looking at porn right....AHHHH....now.
quote #16
17
 Interest...
2 years ago
« cecilberman : Huh?

Health marriages are strong, not fragile.
Right...so are well built bridges...until the earthquake hits.
quote #17
40
 suckersk...
2 years ago
« Margot:There's a lot going on here by way of ad hominem attacks, but not so much by way of research. For the most part Anon's claims are valid and well founded (if perhaps a little overstated), whereas the site cited as proof against her interviewed only 20 twenty somethings.

Instead of just hopping on the anti-anti-porn bandwagon, maybe some research should be done, first. I mean, beyond just reading a 569 word article about someone's opinion on someone else's opinionated research.
I read Anonymous' original article too, and it didn't exactly help improving my image of her.
quote #18
13
 delta
2 years ago
« chilehead:
I can see "don't do that in front of me, I don't care for it" as being valid, but "don't do that ever, even when I'm not around" speaks to some issues that need to be taken up with a mental health professional.
I don't agree.
There are rules in a relationship. Not keeping the rules can be serious enough to end it.
To demonstrate this, consider the following example. If you cheat on your spouse behind your spouse's back, the secrecy will not make it any better and it clearly wouldn't be your spouse who might need the help of a mental health professional. At least not on the account of cheating.
quote #19
9
 chilehea...
2 years ago
« delta : consider the following example. If you cheat on your spouse behind your spouse's back,
When you get married, it is implied that you don't sleep with other people - unless you and your partner have an arrangement otherwise. So we can all agree that breaking the rules stipulated in the institution of marriage is a bad thing. Viewing porn is not one of the things implied in marriage that you don't do, any more than having a beer on Saturday is. You won't catch diseases from porn to pass on to your wife. You won't leave your wife and kids to shack up with porn (as cool as that sounds).

Viewing porn isn't "cheating" on your SO. It is just getting some stimulation from images that appeal to your fantasies. I'd wager that the people most against it either have vicious hang-ups about the topic of masturbation and/or have a lot of issues dealing with their self-worth. While everyone wants to be able to say "my mate and I are evenly matched with respect to our bedroom drives, and I am happy and able to keep them satisfied", that's not the overwhelming majority of cases - probably just the neighborhood of majority (41-65%, not 90-99%).

Disallowing your mate a means of making up the difference between your drives is a recipe for unhappiness and the end of the marriage. And if one really has serious issues on the topics of porn or masturbation, they really need to be forthright and clear on that topic well before they get married - 6 months into marriage is not the time to be finding out their tastes are vastly different from yours. Marital bliss through ignorance/denial of sex is more accident and/or myth than a reasonable expectation. Finding out your mate only wants sex half as often as you is bad enough, but when they deny you the ability to fix it yourself without bringing a third (or eighth) person into the mix, something will eventually break.

There's been studies published that show decreasing incidents of rape and sexual assault with the increasing availability of porn, so I have a hard time (heh) believing claims of porn turning people into monsters. There may be anecdotes of a person here or there who was a monster and who used porn, but I don't believe that the porn use was more of a cause than it was a symptom of a different underlying issue.
quote #20
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