Joke wars! - NSFW - Please do not go over the top with crude crap. : XML WIDGEThttp://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/low.mtmYou can use this XML spec to create a desktop widget or other application (i.e. Flash visualization). Please share it with us in our forum and we'll link it here!en-us312753http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q51<![CDATA[heymrp @ 8/21/2008 9:28:05 AM]]>
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"]]>8/21/2008 9:28:05 AM2008-08-21T09:28:05+01:00312703http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q50<![CDATA[IcePigs @ 8/21/2008 7:28:40 AM]]>
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said,

'Because I'm trying to examine you...' .]]>8/21/2008 7:28:40 AM2008-08-21T07:28:40+01:00311868http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q49<![CDATA[Irishdrunk @ 8/20/2008 2:08:02 AM]]>« craziesean : *hands a Guinness*
*drops keys by ID*

Hey mind picking those up for me?Let me get these pants off they are too tight to bend at the hips. But if thats all ya got you better bring me a shot, and drop a twenty.]]>8/20/2008 2:08:02 AM2008-08-20T02:08:02+01:00311867http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q48<![CDATA[craziesean @ 8/20/2008 2:06:15 AM]]>« Irishdrunk : You can get me one sailor.*hands a Guinness*
*drops keys by ID*

Hey mind picking those up for me?]]>8/20/2008 2:06:15 AM2008-08-20T02:06:15+01:00311866http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q47<![CDATA[Irishdrunk @ 8/20/2008 2:04:20 AM]]>« craziesean : can i get you a drink Maven?You can get me one sailor.]]>8/20/2008 2:04:20 AM2008-08-20T02:04:20+01:00311863http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q46<![CDATA[craziesean @ 8/20/2008 1:46:58 AM]]>« maven : A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself

Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'

Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread.can i get you a drink Maven?]]>8/20/2008 1:46:58 AM2008-08-20T01:46:58+01:00311862http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q45<![CDATA[maven @ 8/20/2008 1:46:09 AM]]>
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'

Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread.]]>8/20/2008 1:46:09 AM2008-08-20T01:46:09+01:00311357http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q44<![CDATA[xiatethebish @ 8/19/2008 7:58:05 AM]]>"Let's screw him!" Says the priest.
The rabbi replies; "Out of what?"]]>8/19/2008 7:58:05 AM2008-08-19T07:58:05+01:00310908http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q43<![CDATA[tigertony @ 8/18/2008 11:12:14 AM]]>

So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.


The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.


This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.


The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.


Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'


The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.


After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.


The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'



The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.]]>8/18/2008 11:12:14 AM2008-08-18T11:12:14+01:00309969http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q42<![CDATA[meggysue @ 8/16/2008 12:17:12 PM]]>
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It causes too much confusion when she answers, saying "Picabo, ICU."]]>8/16/2008 12:17:12 PM2008-08-16T12:17:12+01:00308811http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q41<![CDATA[bingo @ 8/15/2008 2:33:48 PM]]>
http://d21c.com/terri1/flash/smile.swf
]]>8/15/2008 2:33:48 PM2008-08-15T14:33:48+01:00308791http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q40<![CDATA[tigertony @ 8/15/2008 1:48:23 PM]]>told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she
agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey,
you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one
more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now
has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey,
please... just one more time before I die?' she says, 'Of course,
dear.' And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however,
worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more
hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could....?'


At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get
up in the morning... you don't.']]>8/15/2008 1:48:23 PM2008-08-15T13:48:23+01:00308789http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q39<![CDATA[tigertony @ 8/15/2008 1:45:40 PM]]>'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes, perhaps?'
The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. NEXT]]>8/15/2008 1:45:40 PM2008-08-15T13:45:40+01:00307874http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q38<![CDATA[steelsHOOTER @ 8/14/2008 1:58:32 AM]]>« 2manyusernames : RULES OF MILITARY FIGHTING

< rules >

Wait, this is a humor thread. If you want to spout facts, you need to start a new thread under MILITARY.

(If I could upvote twice, I would.)

From the NAVY perspective, I must add:

1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
"Aggressive offshore posture" means "soften up the beach" with bombs and shells and whatnot (in the same way that digestion "softens up" that nice steak). In more modern times, this also includes controlled-crashing airplanes on the roof.

Also, this includes satisfying all those Air Force wives while their hubbies take off from nice paved runways.

2. Send in the Marines.
This is basic care and feeding of jar-heads. Ship'em, feed'em, let'em kill somebody. Otherwise they get grouchy.

3. Drink Coffee and eat donuts.
Hey, some of that coffee is strong and bitter. And just to be sure we are properly manly, the donuts arrived stale.]]>8/14/2008 1:58:32 AM2008-08-14T01:58:32+01:00307570http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q37<![CDATA[Magellan @ 8/13/2008 5:06:44 PM]]>« Jerry520 : A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'



'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'




'It was my first day with the hook'My dad would always tell me this one with a pirate accent. It was always one I could spit out because I had memorized it so well.]]>8/13/2008 5:06:44 PM2008-08-13T17:06:44+01:00307566http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q36<![CDATA[BrownTrout @ 8/13/2008 4:54:59 PM]]>« 2manyusernames : RULES OF MILITARY FIGHTING


Navy Rules for Gun Fighting

1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
2. Send in the Marines.
3. Drink Coffee and eat donuts.

Hell - those rules were why I joined the Navy!]]>8/13/2008 4:54:59 PM2008-08-13T16:54:59+01:00307563http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q35<![CDATA[2manyusernames @ 8/13/2008 4:52:30 PM]]>RULES OF MILITARY FIGHTING

Marines; Army; Navy; Air Force : The main differences

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring their friends who have guns.

2. If you can, make friends with those on the crew served weapons. Bring them as well. Borrow money from them, it gives them an added incentive to protect you.

3. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

4. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

5. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

6. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

7. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

8. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.

9. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating (calling for arty or air support), reloading, and running.

10. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

11. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

12. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

13. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

14. Have a plan.

15. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

16. Have a back-up, back-up plan in case CentCom or SecDef finds the first two plans "unacceptable".

17. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The only visible target should be in your gun sights.

18. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect your flank.

19. Don't drop your guard.

20. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

21. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

22. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

23. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

24. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

25. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

26. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

27. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."


Army Rules for Gun Fighting

1. See USMC Rules to gun Fighting.
2. Add 60 to 90 days.
3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance.


Navy Rules for Gun Fighting

1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
2. Send in the Marines.
3. Drink Coffee and eat donuts.


Air Force Rules for Gun Fighting

1. Kiss the wife goodbye.
2. Drive to the base in your sports car.
3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, (try not to hit the Canuks) fly back to your home base.
4. BBQ some burgers and drink beer in your back yard, and talk s**t about the Navy, Army and Marines.]]>8/13/2008 4:52:30 PM2008-08-13T16:52:30+01:00306962http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q34<![CDATA[steelsHOOTER @ 8/12/2008 8:34:30 PM]]>
After only one night, the detective returned with a report.

"First, I followed him to a sleazy bar known to be a hangout for easy women and hookers. Then I followed him to a cheap by-the-hour motel. Later I followed him back to the same bar, and back to the same motel. Then I followed him home where he parked down the block and waited until your bedroom light was out for nearly half an hour, obviously waiting to be sure you were asleep."

"Well," the wife said, "I guess there is no doubt what he was doing then."

"Nope," replied the detective, "it was pretty obvious that he was following you."]]>8/12/2008 8:34:30 PM2008-08-12T20:34:30+01:00306955http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q33<![CDATA[Jerry520 @ 8/12/2008 8:22:12 PM]]>


'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'



'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'



'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'



'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'



'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'



'What about that eye patch?'



'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up and one of them s**t in my eye.'



'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird s**t?'



'It was my first day with the hook']]>8/12/2008 8:22:12 PM2008-08-12T20:22:12+01:00306686http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q32<![CDATA[BrownTrout @ 8/12/2008 2:23:16 PM]]>
A young couple were madly in love when they tragically died in a car accident. At the pearly gates, they meet Saint Peter and say...

"We were cut down in the prime of our youth before we could wed. Can we still get married here in heaven?"

Saint Peter says, let me check on it and I'll get back to you.

A year later, Peter runs into the couple and says...

"There you are! I checked and you can now get married"

Thanking him, the couple says...

"That's great! But if it doesn't work out, can we get a divorce?"

An upset Saint Peter responds...

"What! It took me a year to find a priest up here and now you want me to try and find a lawyer?!!"]]>8/12/2008 2:23:16 PM2008-08-12T14:23:16+01:00306561http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q31<![CDATA[meggysue @ 8/12/2008 10:32:24 AM]]>
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur, saying nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be s pared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you look. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
THINGS ARE GOING TO GET UGLY.]]>8/12/2008 10:32:24 AM2008-08-12T10:32:24+01:00305085http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q30<![CDATA[maven @ 8/9/2008 7:12:21 PM]]>
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her.Encourage her.Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her.
Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth
and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.]]>8/9/2008 7:12:21 PM2008-08-09T19:12:21+01:00304354http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q29<![CDATA[icepigs @ 8/8/2008 1:52:27 PM]]>HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2 . Place them on your front porch , along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:



Hey Bubba,

Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.
'Cooter']]>8/8/2008 1:52:27 PM2008-08-08T13:52:27+01:00303031http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q28<![CDATA[2manyusernames @ 8/6/2008 10:34:34 AM]]>LETTERS TO PENTHOUSE FORUM.

BY DAVID COPPER

- - - -

In the letter "Laying Late-Night Cable," it was misstated that "Shelly became immediately aroused at the sight of my rock-hard member straining to be free from my jeans." In truth, Shelly's initial demeanor would be best described as visibly uncomfortable and leery. She did not achieve a state of arousal until learning—after several awkward drinks—that performing fellatio would result in a free month of HBO and Starz.

- - - -

In the letter "Three-Way Freeway," it was implied that "Diana" begged for the opportunity to participate in sexual relations with her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend after accidentally walking in on their "sweaty, all-night lovemaking session." In actual fact, "Diana" was not aware of her participation in the "love sandwich" until she regained consciousness later that evening.

- - - -

In the letter "Calling Dr. Love," it was suggested that the letter writer's "throbbing member was purple with pulsating lust" until if found release in "the warm, wet mouth of an off-duty nurse in a hospital supply closet." The actual cause of said member's throbbing and discolored state was an unfortunate softball-related accident that landed him the in the hospital's emergency room. He is currently recovering from his injuries while facing harassment charges from several nurses and staff janitors.

- - - -

In the letter "And Wifey Makes Three," the letter writer stated: "My wife was eager to engage in a threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter." The sentence should read: "My wife was disgusted, repulsed, and, in every imaginable way, opposed to the thought of engaging in a threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter." Nor did the wife "wildly undulate" while seated on the face of the babysitter, or "moan in unending pleasure" as she watched her "superstud" of a husband give the babysitter "a good seeing-to." The letter writer also doesn't fight crime on the weekends from the confines of a secret underground lair.

- - - -

In the letter "Rent Payments," the letter writer described his landlady as having "the flawlessly tanned and toned body of a much younger woman" and "full, pouty lips that promised—and later delivered—satisfaction." The landlady, in fact, does not exist. Nor does the letter writer possess "an impressive love-tool that all the ladies crave." He did, however, totally make out with this one girl once and they were so going to do it, until his mom came home. Really.

- - - -

Penthouse Forum regrets these errors.

from our friends at McSweeney's]]>8/6/2008 10:34:34 AM2008-08-06T10:34:34+01:00300939http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q27<![CDATA[tigertony @ 8/2/2008 11:22:09 AM]]>
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?’

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government.]]>8/2/2008 11:22:09 AM2008-08-02T11:22:09+01:00300810http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q26<![CDATA[Moe @ 8/1/2008 10:14:10 PM]]>« SkandarGraun : Could you replace it with something funny? Except obviously if you think that would ruin the joke.Yes I see your point. OK I changed it to a funny joke.]]>8/1/2008 10:14:10 PM2008-08-01T22:14:10+01:00300446http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q25<![CDATA[SkandarGraun @ 8/1/2008 10:43:46 AM]]>« Moe : Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One.

NOTE: I only posted this to be able to claim the 500th joke post. I do not actually think it is funny.Could you replace it with something funny? Except obviously if you think that would ruin the joke.]]>8/1/2008 10:43:46 AM2008-08-01T10:43:46+01:00300440http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q24<![CDATA[smarty1052 @ 8/1/2008 10:35:40 AM]]>8/1/2008 10:35:40 AM2008-08-01T10:35:40+01:00299201http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q23<![CDATA[bingo @ 7/30/2008 4:07:14 PM]]>'What happened?' asked the friend.

'My wife found out...']]>7/30/2008 4:07:14 PM2008-07-30T16:07:14+01:00298835http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q22<![CDATA[kakana @ 7/30/2008 1:54:01 AM]]>« Moe : You say that as if it were a bad thing. Oh.. No connotations intended.]]>7/30/2008 1:54:01 AM2008-07-30T01:54:01+01:00298789http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q21<![CDATA[Moe @ 7/30/2008 12:13:20 AM]]>« kakana : WhoreYou say that as if it were a bad thing.]]>7/30/2008 12:13:20 AM2008-07-30T00:13:20+01:00298734http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q20<![CDATA[kakana @ 7/29/2008 10:24:29 PM]]>« Moe : Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One.

NOTE: I only posted this to be able to claim the 500th joke post. I do not actually think it is funny.
Whore]]>7/29/2008 10:24:29 PM2008-07-29T22:24:29+01:00298726http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q19<![CDATA[Moe @ 7/29/2008 10:12:58 PM]]>
A: Because he is boring.

NOTE: I only posted this to be able to claim the 500th joke post. I do not actually think it is funny.]]>7/29/2008 10:12:58 PM2008-07-29T22:12:58+01:00298681http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q18<![CDATA[kakana @ 7/29/2008 8:23:43 PM]]> And hasn't been posted previously.

little Jimmy is four years old. He was
bugging the living daylights out of his mother, so she said, "Jimmy, they're building a new house across the street, why don't you go watch
them and see if you can learn something", Jimmy was gone for a few hours.

Later, When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned. Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, and the son of a b***h doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to shave a c**t hair off of each side and put the mother f**ker back up." Jimmy's mother said Whoa.. Jimmy, you can't talk like that.. You just wait until your father gets home."

Later that evening, Jimmy's father came home. Mother told him to ask Jimmy what he had learned across the street.. Jimmy's father asked and
Jimmy started to tell him the whole story, it wasn't long till Jimmy's father said that's enough Jimmy!

I want you to know you cannot talk like that.. it's not polite and unacceptable.

Well, Jimmy was hurt.. He didn't know any better.

Father said, you need to be punished for this.. go out to the back yard and get me a switch.


Jimmy looked up at his father and said...

f**k you.. that's the electricians job!!]]>7/29/2008 8:23:43 PM2008-07-29T20:23:43+01:00298648http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q17<![CDATA[mutil8or @ 7/29/2008 7:16:25 PM]]>
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you my son?”

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….”

“Very well my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.”

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER]]>7/29/2008 7:16:25 PM2008-07-29T19:16:25+01:00298312http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q16<![CDATA[SkandarGraun @ 7/29/2008 12:09:23 PM]]>« Jerry520 : Making a BabyThis could have been a nice entry here too.]]>7/29/2008 12:09:23 PM2008-07-29T12:09:23+01:00298273http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q15<![CDATA[Jerry520 @ 7/29/2008 11:39:14 AM]]>Making a Baby
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.]]>7/29/2008 11:39:14 AM2008-07-29T11:39:14+01:00298217http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q14<![CDATA[meggysue @ 7/29/2008 9:40:50 AM]]>« Bornbad : "Chirping"...(The spelling police...thank you)They were drunk crickets.]]>7/29/2008 9:40:50 AM2008-07-29T09:40:50+01:00297966http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q13<![CDATA[maven @ 7/28/2008 9:08:45 PM]]>
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for Blanche, our Hunting dog, and was standing in line about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

First thing I thought was 'what gave you a clue, lady' but decided to go with it.

So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina weight loss Diet again. I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least. Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore.]]>7/28/2008 9:08:45 PM2008-07-28T21:08:45+01:00297772http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q12<![CDATA[bingo @ 7/28/2008 3:23:09 PM]]>
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties..
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people..
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
_____
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you kan tipe reel goood.]]>7/28/2008 3:23:09 PM2008-07-28T15:23:09+01:00297266http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q11<![CDATA[tigertony @ 7/27/2008 9:05:03 PM]]>
She said, 'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ...'

'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?'

The woman answered, ' Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.']]>7/27/2008 9:05:03 PM2008-07-27T21:05:03+01:00297259http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q10<![CDATA[tigertony @ 7/27/2008 8:55:53 PM]]>
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.']]>7/27/2008 8:55:53 PM2008-07-27T20:55:53+01:00296700http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q9<![CDATA[meggysue @ 7/26/2008 6:53:06 PM]]>
I told her, then she said (imagine western KY twang here) "My family is big on education. My mother has a Ph.D." Really? I asked. "Yes, and two of my sisters too." I was a little surprised because her accent was so thick, and asked "What are they in?" to which she replied "Pentecostal Hair Do's!"]]>7/26/2008 6:53:06 PM2008-07-26T18:53:06+01:00296659http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q8<![CDATA[2manyusernames @ 7/26/2008 6:00:28 PM]]>Ways to be a Good Republican

1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an illness and needs our prayers for your recovery.

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the wrong gender.

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

7) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their
jobs to India.

8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

10) You hate the ALCU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.

12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.

13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

15) You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

16) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.

17) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science", but Creationism should be taught in schools.

18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a we-can't-find-Bin-Laden diversion.

20) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.

21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a private matter.

22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally assed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.

24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is stale news and irrelevant.

25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy]]>7/26/2008 6:00:28 PM2008-07-26T18:00:28+01:00296658http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q7<![CDATA[2manyusernames @ 7/26/2008 5:59:39 PM]]>WAYS TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT


1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by
soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and
A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."]]>7/26/2008 5:59:39 PM2008-07-26T17:59:39+01:00294560http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q6<![CDATA[xiatethebish @ 7/23/2008 4:21:58 PM]]>"He's both, son"
The son asks "Is God a boy, or girl?"
"He's both, son"
Confused, the little boy asks "So God is Michael Jackson?"]]>7/23/2008 4:21:58 PM2008-07-23T16:21:58+01:00294545http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q5<![CDATA[SkandarGraun @ 7/23/2008 4:03:56 PM]]>A: The external.

Q: Which animal's sight is as good forward and back?
A: For example a blind horse's.]]>7/23/2008 4:03:56 PM2008-07-23T16:03:56+01:00294386http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q4<![CDATA[gratheo @ 7/23/2008 11:38:26 AM]]>« imnotyoo:

My favorite joke of all time

Two muffins are sitting in an oven.

The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says, "boy, it sure is hot in here".

The second muffin turns to the first muffin and yells, "AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"Sorry. No worries though.]]>7/23/2008 11:38:26 AM2008-07-23T11:38:26+01:00294385http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q3<![CDATA[heymrp @ 7/23/2008 11:37:40 AM]]>drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to
the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What 's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must
be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he
is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No'

'Then you're a queer]]>7/23/2008 11:37:40 AM2008-07-23T11:37:40+01:00294111http://www.plime.com/plime-com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q2<![CDATA[muppetmaker @ 7/22/2008 9:43:25 PM]]>
One muffin says, "Its getting hot in here."

The other muffin looks over and in shock says, "Wow! You're a talking muffin!"]]>7/22/2008 9:43:25 PM2008-07-22T21:43:25+01:00
Joke wars! - NSFW - Please do not go over the top with crude crap.
 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 26 27 >
298http://www.plime.com/f/298/1/xml_widget.rss#q1<![CDATA[Milkshake @ 9/22/2006 4:25:10 PM]]>
Well lets have em them.]]>9/22/2006 4:25:10 PM2006-09-22T16:25:10+01:00