A teenage grand-daughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams! These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs,
and the grand mother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is not appropriate. ....The grandmother says, "Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets!"

The elderly woman's life was empty after her husband passed on, followed by her cat's demise, and finally, all their children moved to California. Her hair was falling out, her joints ached, and food no longer tasted good. She wanted to die.

She asked her doctor how to commit suicide. He said, "Get a gun, aim just under your left breast, and shoot. It's the surest way."

Poor woman blew out her left kneecap.

I just got this email:

*Subject:* Question from Denmark

"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a b***h who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer . . . and a lawyer who is married to a b***h who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman with big tits who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?"

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears!
BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...



Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...



BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping


Clappity-BUMP...

Clappity-BUMP...

Clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding his head is reeling his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)











The coffin stops

...I don't get it...

It's a play on words, read the last sentence again.

I remember when this thread was almost new.

I feel old now, in Plime years and in real years.

You dawg.

Yep. Nice, well used thread, and still it got only a total of 50 karma points.

Larknet got tired of Eljay's mood swings. He bought her one of these mood rings so he could monitor her moods.

Reading her mood is now quite easy. When she is in a good mood, it turns green and, when she is in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.

Amazing how personalization enhances a rather lame joke. :D

Exactly what I was thinking.

2manyusernames became the new commandant at a French Foreign Legion base, and the captain, suckersklub is taking him on a tour. After he has made the rounds, he looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's it used for?"

Suckersklub says, "Well, sir, obviously we have no women here. So whenever the men feel the need for a woman, they go there and use the camel--"

"Enough!" says the 2manyusernames in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, 2manyusernames is feeling the need for a woman. So he goes to suckersklub and says, "Tell me something, captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free any time soon?"

Suckersklub says, "Well, sir, let me see." He opens up a book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two."

"Excellent!" says 2manyusernames. "Put me down."

So the next afternoon at two, 2manyusernames saunters over to the little blue building and goes inside. There he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Conveniently, right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the stool directly behind the camel. He steps up on the stool, drops his trousers, and starts to have sex with the camel.

A minute later suckersklub walks in.

"Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," he says, raising an eyebrow, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

Dammit, it worked again.

Exercise:


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. (I am almost up to this level)

Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 25-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

If you can make it to this level, the real challenge comes.







Put a potato in each of the sacks.

This is the joke thread right?

:D

XP

Don't know if this a repeat:

Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub
pondering on the future.

One says to the other, "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great
sport together for many years. It just came to mind that
should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean
a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me
grave."

The other friend responds, "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that
I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first,
for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour
a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me grave."

The friend responds, "That I'll do. That I'll do. But would
you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me
kidneys first?"

Not sure if this is here but this is what I heard just a minute ago:


Q. How to you castrate a redneck?

A. Kick his sister in the chin.