Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Three workers were sitting having lunch one day

The first opens his lunch and says "If I get one more roast beef sandwich I'll jump off this building"

The second says "If I get one more chicken sandwich I'll jump off this building"

The third says "If I get one more ham sandwich I'll jump off this building"

The next day the 1st saw a roast beef sandwich and jumped

The second saw a chicken sandwich and jumped

The third saw a ham sandwich and jumped

At the funeral the 1st wife cried "If only I hadn't made him roast beef"

The second wife cried "If only I hadn't made him chicken!"

The third wailed "He made his own lunch!!"

(well, I thought it was funny)

Brace yourself, it's a lame one:



A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won't let him in the guy asks, "'Why not?"

"Because you're not wearing a tie," says the bouncer.

"But I have come all the way from the other end of town," says the guy.

"Sorry mate, that's the rules," says the bouncer.

So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.

"Is this all right?" he asks the bouncer.

"Well, all right then," replies the bouncer. "But I'll be watching you - don't start anything!"

Two weasels sitting at a bar. The first weasel says to the other "I slept with your mother!"
A hush fills the room, everyone listens to hear what the other weasel might say, he doesn't respond. The first weasel repeats, louder, "I slept with your mother!!"
Finally the second weasel responds, quietly, "Go home Dad, you're drunk."

A guy went into a restaurant and asked 'What's the special of the day?'
'Beef tongue,' the waiter replied.
'Ugh!', the guy said, 'That's disgusting! I won't eat anything that comes out of a cow's mouth. Fry me up a couple of eggs!'

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

....Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It was not very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged,
approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

A husband had been away from home for a couple weeks and had
a romantic evening planned for him and his wife. He sent the
two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the
youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the
boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their
house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man
he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house
and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts "Dad, if you think
your getting f**ked in there, you'd better come outside,
there's a Shriner convention going past.

Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?

A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon
machine with a bent quarter.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks him for his order.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That 'll be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

I don't know if this is a dupe:
A regular went into his favorite watering hole and gently set a paper bag down on the bar. After pouring him a beer, the bartender said "I'll bite, what's in the bag?" The man pulled out a little man, then a little stool, then a little piano.
The little man sat down and played the most beautiful music the barkeep ever heard. "Where did you get that?!" he exclaimed. The man reached in the bag again and pulled out a lamp, saying "rub this and you'll get one wish." After thinking a minute, the bartender did so and asked for a million bucks.
At first nothing happened, but then there was a peck on the door. The bartender opened it to find one duck, then another, then another and another... after several came in, he said "Hey buddy, I think your genie is a little hard of hearing." to which the man responded, "DUH! Do you think I'd wish for a 9" pianist??"

When cats have cell phones their ads will say,'Can you hear meow?'

:|

*hears crickets chirping*

Although I have to say that your avatar and that joke go hand in hand and that made me lol.

"Chirping"...(The spelling police...thank you)

I'm hispanic... I like my nashos with sheeze... :P

Lost In Home Depot


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”.

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

...

That's about half a step up from "if you read this, you are stupid".

Ah, you want me to send you an actual hard copy. OK, PM me your address you purist. Untill then here is something better:
Also NSFW