Musician joke:
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to say "I could do that!"

How many Newfies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four. One to hold the lightbulb, and three to drink till the room spins.




What did the fish say when he it a wall?

Dam!

When I got back from vacation last month I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars... he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla for yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change??"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy said, "Fluc you white people, too!"

There are 3 sisters (nunish sisters) that are about to graduate from there convent and become full fledged Nuns. The Mother Superior tells them, "You 3, this is your LAST night to be women, after tonight you are fully devoted to God and may never deviate from him. You are allowed to do ONE last sin before you become a Nun."

So the three sisters went off and committed their acts, and returned to the Mother Superior. Mother Superior asks the first sister, "So what was your sin?"

The first sister goes up, "I stole candy from a baby."

Mother Superior, "Oh yes, that was quite sinful, now go rinse yourself in the holywater and you are now a Nun." Now she asks the second sister.

"I threw rocks at a teenager on a skateboard, he fell down."

Mother Superior, "Very Good, that was very sinful, now go rinse yourself in the holywater and you are now a Nun." And finally she turns to the last sister, and asks, "What was your sin my child?"

"I pee'd in the Holy Water."

What do you get when you stick a 15-inch steak knife into a dead baby?




An erection.

WTF!!???

My thoughts exactly.

It's American Humor.

I think that qualifies for "going over the top with crude crap".

I love that joke, or rather, the horror it always produces. I don't know the difference between "good attention" and "bad attention".

ummm, that would be "bad" attention.

During a commercial airline flight, a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum"

how do you know when the drummer's arrived at the party?

he always comes in at the wrong entrance! :D

Wimps.

If it wasn't for the "please do not go over the top with crude crap" I would agree with you. There are a couple of jokes I have that I can't post in this thread.

I have worse.

No you don't...I have the worst!

What's worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can? One dead baby in 10 trash cans! lmao

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again, you're in my closet now"

I have you all beat.

Two penguins walk into a bar.

The second one must not have been paying attention.

---

My favorite joke of all time

Two muffins are sitting in an oven.

The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says, "boy, it sure is hot in here".

The second muffin turns to the first muffin and yells, "AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"